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Self-Compassion and ADHD: How It Can Help You Feel Better

Self-Compassion and ADHD – How It Can Help You Feel Better

If you have ADHD, one of the hardest parts isn’t always motivation, organisation, or focus.

It’s noticing your own progress.

You can do a hundred things in a day, and your brain still zooms in on the one thing you didn’t do, forgot, or didn’t finish.

And over time, that can create a quiet inner narrative of:

“I’m always behind.”
“I’m not doing enough.”
“I can’t keep up.”

If that feels familiar, you’re not alone.

Why is Self-Compassion so Hard for ADHD Brains?

If you stop and reflect for a moment, you might notice something:

It’s often much easier to spot what’s unfinished, forgotten, or didn’t go to plan than it is to recognise what you did manage.

With ADHD, your brain can naturally scan for what’s missing, what’s urgent, or what could go wrong next. It’s not because you’re doing anything wrong. It’s often because your attention has been pulled in that direction for years.

And if you’ve spent a long time being told to try harder, be more organised, or do things differently, it makes sense that self-compassion can feel awkward at first.

Sometimes it doesn’t feel comforting.
It just feels unfamiliar.

That doesn’t mean it won’t help.
It just means it might take time to feel natural.

A Lifetime of Feeling ‘Not Good Enough’

If you’ve lived with ADHD for a long time, you might carry a quiet feeling of “not quite good enough.”

Not because you haven’t tried, but because so much effort goes into coping, adapting, masking, and pushing through… and that effort often goes unseen.

Even by you.

So when self-compassion is suggested, it can feel uncomfortable at first. For some people, it feels unfamiliar rather than soothing.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t helpful. It usually just means it’s something that needs to become familiar, so it starts to feel more natural over time.

Rewiring the ADHD Brain for Self-Compassion

Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook, making excuses, or pretending everything is fine.

It’s about learning to notice your effort, not just the outcome.

Because with ADHD, you can be trying really hard behind the scenes, even if it doesn’t always look that way on the outside.

If a friend told you they managed to get through a difficult day, reply to an important message, or keep going when they felt overwhelmed, you’d probably recognise how much that took.

You wouldn’t tell them it “doesn’t count” because they didn’t do it sooner, or because they didn’t do it perfectly.

You’d acknowledge the effort.

But when it comes to you, your brain might jump straight to what you didn’t do, what you forgot, or what you should have done differently.

Self-compassion is practising the pause that interrupts that pattern:

“Hang on… I did something today. That matters.”

And the more you practise noticing your progress, the easier it becomes to build confidence and feel more emotionally steady.

Small Steps to Start Practising Self-Compassion

You don’t need to “master” self-compassion. You can start small, and let it build naturally over time.

✅ Notice the small wins – Managed to reply to an email? Took a short break before burnout hit? Got out of bed on a tough day? These things matter. Small efforts still count..

✅ Reframe negative self-talk: Instead of saying, “I only did one thing today,” try, “I focused on the most important thing today.” That shift can make a real difference.

✅ Write it down – A notebook, notes app, or quick daily list of “things I managed” can help train your brain to notice progress rather than gaps.

✅ Say it out loud – It can feel awkward at first, but telling yourself “I’m proud of how I handled today” helps your brain absorb it in a different way.

✅ Start with neutral language – If praise feels forced, ease into it. Instead of “I did an amazing job,” try “I made an effort today and that counts.” Over time, this starts to feel more natural.

Person walking up outdoor steps, representing small steps forward with ADHD and self-compassion

One of the biggest shifts I see

One of the biggest shifts I see is when someone starts noticing their effort, instead of only focusing on what they haven’t done.

Because if you’ve spent years feeling like you’re falling short, self-criticism can start to feel like background noise.

But when you begin practising self-compassion, something subtle (but important) starts to change.

You stop measuring yourself only by what’s unfinished.
You start recognising what you’re managing, coping with, and carrying.

And that shift can feel surprisingly relieving.

Sometimes it sounds like:
“I didn’t realise how hard I’ve actually been trying.”
“I’ve never really let myself feel proud before.”
“I thought everyone else found life easier than me.”

Those moments are quiet, but they matter.

Self-compassion doesn’t suddenly fix everything.
But it creates space.

Space for steadiness.
Space for confidence to build.
Space to feel more like you’re on your own side.

Why Self-Compassion Matters

When you practise self-compassion, you’re not lowering your standards.

You’re giving yourself a steadier foundation to build from.

It helps you notice what you are doing, not just what you haven’t done yet. And over time, that can reduce the constant pressure to prove yourself, push harder, or “catch up.”

Self-compassion doesn’t make you complacent.
It helps you feel more supported while you’re trying.

What’s Next?

If any of this feels familiar, you don’t need to change everything at once. Even small shifts in how you speak to yourself can start to make a difference.

You might begin by noticing effort rather than outcome, or by gently questioning the habit of dismissing your progress. Over time, those small moments add up.

If you’d like extra support with this, I’ve created a short self-study course on self-compassion. It’s designed to help you build a kinder inner voice, reduce self-criticism, and feel more emotionally steady, especially if you have ADHD traits and tend to be hard on yourself.

You can take it at your own pace, and come back to it whenever you need a reset.

And if you’d prefer one-to-one support, you’re welcome to get in touch. We can explore what’s coming up for you and find a way forward that feels manageable and grounded.

There’s no rush, and no right pace. This work starts exactly where you are.

Embrace Self-Compassion self-study course cover

If you’d like extra support with this, my self-guided course Embrace Self-Compassion explores it in more depth. It’s for anyone who finds self-kindness difficult, or not very natural yet.

Reduce Stress in 7 Days: A Simple Plan for a Calmer Mind

Reduce Stress in 7 Days: A Simple Plan for a Calmer Mind

If the idea of self-care feels overwhelming, and you’re just trying to reduce stress, I want you to know you’re not alone. So many of my clients tell me they struggle to prioritise themselves.

Life gets busy, stress builds up, and before you know it, you’ve fallen into survival mode, just getting through the day rather than truly living it.

Simple Ways to Reduce Stress Without Overwhelm

And when we finally decide it’s time to start looking after ourselves, it can feel like a huge task. Suddenly, it seems like we need a perfect morning routine, daily journaling, meditation, and an hour of exercise just to feel like we’re doing it right. But that kind of all-or-nothing thinking can be the very thing that stops us from even starting.

Instead of trying to change everything at once, let’s keep it simple.

Seven small steps, one per day, to help you build habits that support your mental health. They don’t take much time, they don’t need any special tools, and they can all be adapted to fit your life.

If you’ve been feeling stuck, disconnected, or like you don’t even know where to start, this is for you.

The 7-Day Plan to Reduce Stress

Day 1: Start with a post-it-note Affirmation

I know that for some people, journaling sounds like a fantastic idea in theory, but in reality, it just feels like another thing to do. So let’s make it easier.

Grab a post-it note. Write down three simple affirmations, things you want to believe about yourself, even if you’re not quite there yet.

Stick it somewhere you’ll see it throughout the day, on your mirror, fridge, or laptop. The words you see regularly start to shape the way you think. This tiny action can start to reduce stress by shifting your mindset over time.

Day 2: Move for Your Mood

One of the biggest things I talk about with my clients is how movement is not just about fitness, it’s about your mental and emotional well-being. And I know that when life is hectic, exercise can feel like a huge task. But it doesn’t have to be.

If you do one thing today, just move. Put on your favourite song and dance around while getting dressed. Stretch for five minutes. Walk while you’re on the phone. Move in a way that feels good, not like a chore.

Your body holds onto stress. When you move, you help it let go.

Day 3: Step Outside and Ground Yourself

Spending time outside is one of the best things you can do for your mental health. Fresh air, natural light, and simply being in nature have been shown to reduce stress and anxiety. But more than that, getting outside gives you a moment to pause.

If you can, take a walk somewhere green, being around trees, water, or open spaces can be deeply grounding.

If you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed, try this: kick off your shoes and stand on the grass for a moment. Rest your hand against a tree, take a deep breath, and just listenbir, ds, the wind, even the distant hum of life carrying on around you.

These little moments of connection with nature can bring a kind of calm that’s hard to find when we’re caught up in the busyness of daily life.

Day 4: Mindful Skincare to Reduce Stress and Practise Self-Care

Many of the women I support struggle to prioritise themselves. Even the idea of self-care can feel indulgent. But I want to remind you that taking care of yourself is not a luxury, it’s essential.  Introducing a skin-care routine is a great way to care for your skin and reduce stress at the same time.

One of the easiest ways to include self-care in your daily routine is through something you’re already doing, your skincare for example. Instead of rushing through it, slow down. Massage your face as you cleanse. Apply your moisturiser with intention. As you do it, take a deep breath and ask yourself: What went well today?

It’s not about expensive products, it’s about making a daily act of care feel meaningful.

Day 5: Square Breathing for Instant Calm

I’m a big advocate of Square Breathing, a simple but very powerful breathwork technique that can quickly help you feel more grounded. It’s something you can do anywhere, anytime, whenever you feel anxious or overwhelmed.

Here’s how it works:

  • Inhale for 4 counts
  • Hold for 4 counts
  • Exhale for 4 counts
  • Hold for 4 counts

Repeat this cycle a few times, and notice how your body starts to relax. Your breath is always there as an anchor, this is a simple way to use it to your advantage.

Day 6: Journaling Lite (No Pressure, Just One Line)

Journaling doesn’t have to mean sitting down for half an hour and pouring your heart out onto the page. If that works for you, great, but if not, here’s a much easier way to do it.

Each night, write down:

  • One thing you’re grateful for
  • One small intention for tomorrow

That’s it, just two sentences. Over time, this practice can help shift your mindset and bring more awareness to the good things in your life. Want more journaling ideas? I’ve shared a few simple tips in a separate blog you might enjoy

Woman meditating by the sea – to reduce stress and find calm through therapy

Day 7: Sensory Self-Care

When we think of treating ourselves, we often reach for the things that give us a quick dopamine hit, wine, chocolate, scrolling on our phones. But what if you could nurture yourself in a way that actually replenishes you, rather than just distracting you?

Try this:

  • Light a candle and enjoy the scent.
  • Play music that makes you feel calm.
  • Wrap yourself in a cosy blanket.
  • Take a warm bath or a long shower.
  • Spend five minutes just being, without a screen in front of you.

Tuning into your senses in this way helps bring you back into the present moment, and that’s often exactly what we need when life feels overwhelming. Sensory self-care isn’t just soothing, it’s a simple, powerful way to reduce stress and reconnect with yourself.

One Small Step at a Time

That’s it, seven simple, gentle ways to bring more care and calm into your days. No big changes, no pressure to do everything perfectly, just small steps that help you feel more grounded, more present, and more connected to yourself.

Try adding one thing each day for the next week, and see what works for you. Maybe you’ll stick with one, maybe you’ll love them all, but either way, you’re making space for yourself. And that’s something worth celebrating.

If you’ve enjoyed this 7-day reset and want to keep building calm and focus into everyday life, you might like to explore The Clear Forward Tools™. These resources are designed to help you reduce overwhelm, regain clarity, and take steady steps forward when life feels busy or stressful.

They’re especially supportive for people who recognise ADHD traits or struggle with focus, motivation, or emotional overload, but they’re equally useful for anyone wanting a structured, compassionate way to create balance and progress.

Love and Neurodivergence: Understanding Relationships Through a Different Lens

Love and Neurodivergence: How ADHD, Anxiety, and Neurodivergent Traits Shape Connection

Love is something we all seek, but how we experience it can be deeply shaped by how our brains are wired. And love isn’t just about romance, it’s in our friendships, our families, the way we connect with others, and, most importantly, the way we love ourselves.

It can be helpful to pause and reflect on how we give and receive love, especially for those of us who think and feel differently.

For people who are neurodivergent, love can feel intense, overwhelming, exhilarating, or even uncertain. ADHD, anxiety, and other neurodivergent traits bring unique challenges and strengths when it comes to connection. So, what does love really feel like when your brain works differently?

Love Through a Neurodivergent Lens

Neurodivergent brains often experience emotions in a heightened way. Love isn’t just a feeling, it can be a full-body experience, a hyperfocus, or even a source of deep anxiety. Some common experiences include:

  • Deep Emotional Intensity – Many people who are neurodivergent feel love in extremes. It’s all or nothing. The highs can feel euphoric, but the lows, like miscommunication or perceived rejection, can feel unbearable.
  • Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) – A delayed text, a change in tone, or an unexpected shift in plans can trigger a deep fear of being unwanted or unworthy. This can make relationships feel fragile, even when they’re not.
  • Hyperfocus on Love – When you have ADHD, falling in love can feel all-consuming. Your brain locks onto the person, replaying conversations, analysing every interaction, and wanting to be around them all the time. Heard of love-bombing? It can feel like that to that recipient at times. It’s not just excitement, it can feel like a deep, urgent focus that’s hard to shift.
  • Difficulty regulating emotions – For many people who are neurodivergent, emotions don’t come in small doses. A minor disagreement can feel overwhelming, and it can be hard to pause before reacting. This can lead to impulsive words or actions in the heat of the moment, or the opposite, shutting down completely to avoid feeling too much at once.

These experiences can be overwhelming, but they also come with unique strengths.

People who are Neurodivergent  often love deeply, passionately, and with a level of authenticity that can be incredibly rare.  If you often find yourself caught in patterns of overthinking or struggling with self-doubt in relationships, small mindset shifts can help. Building self-confidence and breaking negative patterns can make a huge difference in how you experience love and connection.

Love Beyond Romance: Navigating Family and Friendships

Relationships with family and friends can be just as complex as romantic ones, often requiring deep understanding and patience on both sides. For people who are neurodivergent, love and connection might not always fit into traditional expectations. Communication differences, emotional intensity, and sensitivity to rejection can all influence how these relationships unfold.

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) can sometimes lead to misinterpreting silence or changes in behaviour as personal rejection, when in fact they may not be. Understanding how these patterns develop can help create healthier, more secure connections.

If you’ve ever felt that friendships or family relationships are harder than they should be, it may help to explore how neurodivergence shapes your understanding of love, attachment, and connection. The more we understand ourselves, the easier it becomes to navigate relationships with clarity rather than self-doubt.

Three women walking together, laughing and enjoying each other's company, representing the importance of friendships and connection for those who are neurodivergent.

Love, Communication, and Understanding

The key to navigating relationships with a neurodivergent brain isn’t about changing who you are; it’s about understanding how your brain works and finding ways to communicate your needs with clarity and kindness.

Recognising Your Triggers
When rejection sensitivity or emotional intensity makes relationships feel difficult, it can help to pause and notice what’s happening beneath the surface. Understanding the situations that trigger strong reactions allows you to separate feelings from facts and respond with more self-compassion. With practice, this awareness can make space for calmer and more balanced connections.

Developing this awareness is only part of the process. The next step is learning how to soothe your nervous system when emotions feel heightened, so you can return to a sense of steadiness within yourself.

Self-Regulation Tools
Techniques such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, and ADHD-friendly routines can help manage emotional intensity. The calmer and more centred you feel, the easier relationships become.

Explaining Your Needs
Not everyone will instinctively understand how you process emotions or express love. Being open about what helps, whether that’s clear communication, reassurance, or simply time to process, can make a meaningful difference. When your needs are understood, relationships often feel safer, more supportive, and more connected.

A New Season, A New Approach to Love

At any stage in life, the way we experience relationships can evolve. Whether you’re exploring a new connection, healing from past experiences, or learning to build a kinder relationship with yourself, understanding how your brain works can be a powerful step forward.

You can experience love in a way that feels safe, fulfilling, and supportive, whether that’s in romantic relationships, friendships, or the connection you nurture with yourself.

If this resonates with you, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Through counselling and coaching, I can help you understand patterns, build healthier connections, and feel more confident in the way you relate to others.

If ADHD or neurodivergent traits play a part in your experience, you might also like to explore my ADHD-focused coaching and self-paced courses designed to help you move forward with clarity and self-understanding.

You’re welcome to get in touch or book a free discovery call, I’d love to support you.

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Could Your Mindset Be the Missing Piece to Achieving Your Goals?

Could Your Mindset Be the Missing Piece to Achieving Your Goals?

We all start new chapters in life with a sense of motivation and purpose, ready to make changes that matter. But over time, it’s easy to feel stuck or lose focus. Achieving what you want isn’t about willpower, it’s about mindset. Whether you’re working toward career goals, creating balance in family life, or focusing on your own wellbeing, the way you think shapes everything you achieve.

Our mindset is influenced by beliefs we’ve carried since childhood. From an early age, our subconscious absorbs messages and experiences that shape how we view ourselves and the world. For example, if you grew up hearing, “You’re not good at sports,” that belief may linger and make you hesitant to try new things as an adult. The powerful truth is that your brain will believe what you repeatedly tell it.

The good news is that mindset isn’t fixed. By aligning your thoughts, emotions, and actions, you can unlock confidence, motivation, and clarity to help you move forward and achieve your goals.

Woman standing by the sea looking thoughtful

What Is Mindset and Why Does It Matter?

Mindset is the set of beliefs and attitudes you hold about yourself and your abilities. These beliefs shape every decision you make and every action you take.

Psychologist Carol Dweck introduced the concepts of a fixed mindset and a growth mindset:

  • Fixed Mindset: Believing abilities are static, which can lead to avoiding challenges and fearing failure.
  • Growth Mindset: Believing abilities can grow with effort, encouraging resilience and learning from setbacks.

For example, imagine starting a new fitness routine. A fixed mindset might say, “I’ll never get fit,” while a growth mindset reframes this as, “I can improve my fitness with consistent effort.”

Your mindset doesn’t just affect your decisions, it also influences the energy you put out into the world.

What Is Vibrational Energy?

All energy vibrates, including your thoughts and feelings. When we project those vibrations into the world, they influence what we attract back. This is often referred to as vibrational energy.

Have you ever met someone who gave off a bad vibe? Maybe they didn’t say much, but their negative energy was palpable. On the other hand, someone confident and positive can light up a room.

Vibrational energy plays a key role in manifestation. Aligning your thoughts, emotions, and actions to your goals, creates a kind of momentum that attracts opportunities and opens doors.

Think about how you feel when you walk into a meeting prepared and confident, people notice that energy, and it helps you connect and leave a positive impression. On the flip side, if you walk in feeling unsure or doubting yourself, it can be harder to engage and get the results you want. The energy you bring into a situation often shapes what you get out of it.

Manifestation: Aligning Your Mindset and Energy

Manifestation is about bringing your goals and dreams to life by aligning your thoughts, feelings, and actions with what you want to achieve. Manifestation is not about “thinking positive” and then sitting back and hoping for the best, it’s about believing in yourself, having a clear vision, and taking steady steps toward making it happen.

For instance, when you truly believe, “I’m capable of success,” you start to make decisions and notice opportunities that align with that belief. After a while, this starts to build momentum, making it easier to move toward your goals.

But we’ve all had moments when self-doubt or fear creeps in, haven’t we? Those thoughts can feel like roadblocks, slowing you down or holding you back. Think of it like tuning a radio, when your energy is focused on gratitude and positivity, you’re more likely to connect with experiences and people that help you succeed.

Manifestation isn’t just about thinking positive; it’s about directing your energy and actions in a way that turns your intentions into reality.

Shifting Your Mindset: Practical Steps

Shifting your mindset doesn’t happen overnight.  The mind responds to repetition, and small consistent steps that build up over time.

These small shifts can make a big difference. Here are some ideas to help you get started:

Awareness

  • Start by noticing the stories you tell yourself. Are they helping you move forward, or are they holding you back? For example, if you often think, “I’m not good enough,” that’s a belief worth challenging.  Journalling regularly can help you spot patterns that need a fresh perspective.

Gratitude Practice

  • Take a moment each day to focus on three things that you are grateful for. It could be something small, like the taste of your morning coffee, a kind word from a colleague, or ticking off a task from your to-do list. Gratitude helps shift your energy from “I don’t have enough” to “There’s so much to appreciate.”

Affirmations

  • Replace those limiting beliefs with more empowering ones by changing the statements or stories you tell yourself.  For  example, when you catch yourself saying, “I’ll never figure this out,” try telling yourself, “I’m learning and improving every day.”  Over time, these small changes in language can help reshape the way you see yourself.

Visualisation

  • Take a few minutes each day to imagine yourself achieving your goals. Picture the details, what it looks like, how you’ll feel, and the pride that comes with it. Let that vision keep you motivated and guide the steps you take.

Inspired Action

  • Big goals can feel overwhelming, so break them into smaller, doable steps. For example, if you’re working toward a promotion, focus on things like updating your CV, completing a course, or seeking feedback from a mentor. Don’t forget to celebrate each milestone, every small win counts.

Meditation and Mindfulness

  • Sometimes, all you need is a few quiet moments to reconnect with yourself. Meditation or mindfulness exercises can help you clear your mind and tune into what really matters. Even five minutes can make a difference.

Your Mindset Shapes Your Success

our mindset and energy play a big role in how you approach goals, respond to challenges, and stay motivated over time. Small shifts in awareness and self-belief can make a meaningful difference to how achievable your goals feel.

If you’d like to explore this further, you may find my ADHD-focused coaching courses helpful. They offer practical tools to support motivation, focus, and follow-through in everyday life, in a way that’s realistic and supportive.

Building Self-Confidence: Break Negative Patterns with Small Shifts

Building Self-Confidence and Breaking Negative Patterns 

Have you ever felt stuck in the same old loops, thinking the same thoughts, reacting in the same ways, and wondering why it’s so hard to move forward? Those are negative patterns at work. That little voice in your head saying, “I’ll never be good enough,” or maybe you downplay the success you have had as “luck” instead of acknowledging your own hard work (hello imposter syndrome!).  Many therapies can help with Imposter Syndrome, especially if it’s a recurring pattern in your life. Rapid Transformational Therapy is one approach that works at a deep subconscious level to break these patterns and build lasting confidence.

These patterns can sneak in slowly, shaping how you see yourself and what you believe is possible. Over time, they chip away at your confidence, keeping you stuck in a cycle of doubt. The thing is, these patterns don’t define you, and they’re not permanent. They can be broken. When you start shifting your mindset, even in small ways, you can build self-confidence that feels real, not forced.

A great way to begin changing these thought loops is through meditation. You can claim a free one below to help you get started!

GRACE: Your Guide to Breaking Patterns

When this happens I like to remind myself of GRACE: Gratitude, Reflection, Alignment, Connection, and Embracing small habits.

Following these steps, using the word GRACE as a reminder for each one, helps you replace those negative loops with something stronger, kinder, and more aligned with the person you’re becoming.

G – Gratitude Shifting Your Focus

Negative patterns tend to zero in on what’s missing or what’s wrong. Gratitude is the antidote. It’s not about pretending everything’s perfect; it’s about noticing the good, even in the messy moments.

One thing I do is keep a gratitude jar. Each day, I write one thing I’m thankful for on a post-it note and drop it in the jar. It could be something as small as a quiet morning with a cup of tea or something big like overcoming a challenge.

When I am feeling low, or have not been talking to myself the way I would a friend, I pull one out, and it’s like a little reminder of how far I’ve come.

If a jar doesn’t feel like your thing, just jotting it down in a notebook works too.

Reflection: Recognising the Patterns

Breaking free from old patterns starts with understanding them. Journaling is a great way to spot what’s holding you back. Take a few minutes to write about a situation that felt tough recently, what were you thinking or feeling at the time?

You might notice a recurring thought, like, “I always mess things up.” That’s the pattern. Once you’ve recognised it, try reframing it. Instead of, “I always mess things up,” you might write, “I’m learning from my experiences, even when things don’t go perfectly.”

Journaling isn’t about being perfect on the page; it’s about giving yourself a space to explore, process, and start to shift the way you think. If you want to explore self-reflection and how it supports personal growth, you might find Achieving Your Goals: The Role of Reflection helpful.

Woman reflecting into a mirror on sandy ground

Alignment: Stepping Into Your Future Self

Visualisation is one of the most powerful ways to interrupt negative thought patterns and create something new. Close your eyes and imagine yourself at your most confident. Where are you? What can you hear or smell? Maybe it’s the scent of fresh coffee in your dream workspace, or the sounds of nature on a peaceful walk.

Now focus on how it feels to be that person, calm, confident, or energised. Let yourself sit with those feelings. This isn’t about wishful thinking; it’s about connecting with the version of you that already exists deep down.

The more you practise visualising with sensory details, the more real it starts to feel, and you will find that you start to make choices that align with that version of you.

Connecting your body and mind with Movement

When negative patterns weigh you down, even small movements can help shift your mindset. A short walk, a stretch, or even a couple of minutes dancing around the kitchen can shake off that stuck feeling.

Movement creates momentum, it reminds you of what your body can do and helps you break out of that mental fog.

You don’t need a strict routine or fancy gear, just find what feels good in the moment.

Embracing Small Habits

Big changes start with small, consistent actions. It’s not about overhauling your entire life in one go, it’s about finding one thing you can do differently today.

Maybe you decide to start your morning with a deep breath and a clear intention, like, “Today, I’ll focus on what I can control.” Or you add a few minutes of journaling to your evening routine.

These tiny shifts might not seem like much at first, but over time, they create ripples that can transform how you see yourself.

If you’re ready to shift those old patterns, remember GRACE:

  • Gratitude to notice what’s good.
  • Reflection to understand and reframe negative thoughts.
  • Alignment with your future self through visualisation.
  • Connection with your body and mind through movement.
  • Embracing small habits to create momentum.

Self-confidence isn’t something you wake up with one day—it’s something you build, step by step.

Each time you challenge a negative thought or take a small action, you’re proving to yourself that change is possible. You’ve got this.

Navigating Anxiety in Relationships: Embracing Growth and Connection

When Anxiety Makes You Overthink Everything in Your Relationship

For some, anxiety stems from past experiences. If you’ve been hurt before, your mind may be on high alert, looking for signs that it could happen again. For others, anxious thoughts may be tied to self-worth, wondering if you’re lovable, if you’re too much, or if your needs are valid.

It’s important to remind yourself that anxiety doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. But if it’s causing distress or making it hard to feel secure, there are ways to ease the constant overthinking.

Breaking the Cycle of Overthinking in Relationships

Notice the Thought Spiral

Anxiety often starts with one small worry and quickly snowballs. A short reply from your partner might trigger thoughts like, Are they annoyed with me? Did I do something wrong? What if they’re losing interest? Before you know it, you’re imagining a worst-case scenario that isn’t based on reality.

Recognising when this happens is the first step. Instead of following the spiral, pause and ask yourself: What do I actually know to be true right now? Separating facts from anxious assumptions can help ground you in the present.

Stop Seeking Reassurance on Repeat

It’s natural to want reassurance when you feel uncertain, but if you find yourself constantly asking for it, needing to hear Are we okay? multiple times a day, it may be a sign that anxiety is in control. The comfort you get from reassurance is usually short-lived, and before long, the doubts creep back in.

Try to soothe yourself instead. Remind yourself of the stability in your relationship, reflect on moments of connection, and practise self-validation rather than needing constant external confirmation.

Calm Your Nervous System First

Overthinking is a symptom of anxiety, not the cause. If your body is in a heightened state—tight chest, racing heart, uneasy stomach, your thoughts will follow suit. Before you try to untangle a worry, focus on calming your nervous system. My blog on grounding techniques provides more ways to calm your nervous system.

Some techniques I recommend include:

  • Square Breathing: Breathe in for four seconds, hold your breath for another four, then exhale gently for four seconds before pausing again for four. Repeating this pattern a few times can help steady your breathing and signal to your nervous system that it’s safe to relax.
  • 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique: When anxiety pulls you into overthinking, try this to which will help bring you back to the present.ake a moment to notice your surroundings. Find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three sounds you can hear, two scents in the air, and one taste in your mouth. It’s a great way to break the cycle of anxious thoughts and reconnect with your surroundings.
  • Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense your muscles, starting in your feet, and then relax, moving through muscle groups up to your head to release physical tension.
Close-up of a couple connecting holding hands outdoors

Challenge the Anxious Narrative

Anxiety has a habit of convincing you that your worst fears are facts. But just because you think something, doesn’t mean it’s true. If you catch yourself assuming the worst—They’re being quiet, so they must be upset with me—challenge it.  My blog on overthinking provides more information on how to overcome it.

Ask yourself: Is there another explanation? Maybe they’ve had a long day. Maybe they’re preoccupied with their own thoughts. Not everything is about you, and that’s a good thing.

Build Your Own Sense of Security

If you rely on your partner to manage your anxiety, it can create pressure on the relationship. True security comes from within, not from another person constantly proving their love.

Spend time strengthening your own sense of self. Invest in friendships, hobbies, and routines that make you feel good. The more fulfilled and grounded you feel within yourself, the less you’ll rely on external validation to feel okay.

When to Seek Support

If relationship anxiety is affecting your well-being or making it hard to enjoy your connection, it’s okay to reach out for support.

Overcoming Perfectionism – Letting Go and Living Fully

Overcoming Perfectionism – Letting Go and Living Fully

Growing Up with the Pressure to Be Perfect

Some people might wonder – why is overcoming perfectionism important? Isn’t it a good thing to strive for the best?

For those of us in Gen X, and even some older Millennials, we grew up in a world that told us being perfect was the ultimate goal. The perfect score, the flawless A-star report card, excelling at everything we tried, these were the measures of success.

The Exhausting Ideal of ‘Having It All’

And it wasn’t just about achievements. As women, we were told we could have it all, the career, the looks, the partner, the money, the holidays, the beautiful children, and the picture-perfect home.

Even writing it all down feels exhausting, let alone trying to juggle everything and live up to some imagined ideal, no doubt shaped by watching TV shows where someone managed to do it all and make it look effortless.

Why Overcoming Perfectionism Matters

And that’s exactly why we need to break free from the perfectionist cycle. We are exhausted!  Luckily, things are starting to change. Schools and workplaces have begun to realise that putting this kind of pressure on young people isn’t helpful, and they’ve adapted the way they teach, grade, and reward success.

But for those of us who grew up in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, that pressure runs deep. The belief that our worth is tied to our achievements is hard to shake, and we continue striving, pushing, and measuring ourselves against an impossible standard.

What Is Perfectionism, Really?

Perfectionism is often defined as the relentless pursuit of flawlessness, accompanied by excessively high standards and an overly critical self-evaluation. But here’s the truth, perfection, by its very definition, is practically impossible to achieve.

And yet, we chase it. We believe that if we can just do everything right, life will fall into place. But perfectionism doesn’t lead to happiness; it leads to stress, anxiety, and feeling like we’re never quite enough.

It can show up in so many ways, procrastinating because you’re afraid of doing something wrong, avoiding opportunities because you’re scared of failure, or constantly feeling like your efforts aren’t good enough, no matter how much you achieve.  So, how do we begin to break free from perfectionism and embrace a life that feels more balanced and fulfilling?

Woman holding up her hand in a stop gesture

The PAUSE Method: 5 Steps to Letting Go of Perfectionism

When I talk about overcoming perfectionism, I don’t mean giving up on your goals, goals are crucial, nor should you lower your standards. What I do mean is that we need to create a more balanced and realistic approach to life, one that allows space for mistakes, growth, and self-compassion.

That’s where PAUSE comes in a simple way to remind yourself to take a step back and approach life with more kindness and flexibility. Setting goals that are adaptable and achievable can help you make progress without feeling like every misstep is a failure. If you’re looking for a better way to set goals that support your success, check out my blog on Ditching Resolutions and Setting Goals for Lasting Success.

P – ‘Permit’ Yourself to Be Imperfect

Perfectionism thrives on the idea that mistakes equal failure. But mistakes are how we grow and learn. Give yourself permission to be imperfect, to try, and to not get everything right the first time.

When you find the inner critic (the voice in your head) start to berate you, instead of listening reframe your thoughts.

Swap phrases like “I should have done better” with “I did my best with what I knew at the time.” By letting go of the idea that everything has to be perfect, you open yourself up to new opportunities and experiences.

A – ‘Accept’ Progress Over Perfection

One of the biggest struggles with perfectionism is feeling like if it’s not perfect, it’s not worth doing. But progress is always better than perfection. Taking small, imperfect steps is far better than staying stuck in fear of not getting it “just right.”

Set small, achievable goals and celebrate your wins, no matter how small they seem. Remind yourself that done is better than perfect, and every step forward is a step in the right direction.

U – ‘Understand’ Your Triggers

Perfectionism is often driven by experiences and expectations, whether from childhood, work environments, or social media comparisons. Understand what those triggers are and reflect. Is it pressure from others? Fear of judgment? A desire for control?

Recognising these triggers can help you take a step back and challenge them, rather than letting them dictate your actions.

S – ‘Show’ Yourself Kindness

We can be so hard on ourselves, constantly pushing, criticising, and comparing. But treating yourself with kindness is one of the most powerful ways to break the perfectionism cycle.

Start by noticing how you talk to yourself. If your inner critic is harsh, ask yourself: “What would I think of a friend who said this to me? And would I say this to a friend?”

If the answer is no, it’s time to change the script. Practising self-compassion means allowing yourself to struggle, to take breaks, and to acknowledge that you’re doing your best

E – ‘Embrace’ Flexibility

Perfectionism is rigid and unforgiving, but life isn’t meant to be lived that way. Learning to embrace flexibility allows you to adapt when things don’t go according to plan, and still feel good about it.

Instead of focusing on strict goals or expectations, try being open to different outcomes. Flexibility gives you the freedom to enjoy the journey rather than feeling tied to a single destination.

Moving Forward with PAUSE

Breaking free from perfectionism isn’t about giving up, it’s about living in a way that feels more aligned with who you are, not who you think you should be.

By giving yourself permission to be imperfect, accepting progress, understanding your triggers, showing kindness, and embracing flexibility, you can create a healthier, more fulfilling way of living.

Achieving Your Goals: Embracing the Power of Reflection

Achieving Your Goals: The Role of Reflection

As a Coach, I always encourage clients to pause and reflect on their progress. Whether you’re at the start of a new month or simply taking a moment to check in with yourself, reflection can be a powerful tool for staying on track with your goals.

Often, we begin new challenges with enthusiasm and motivation, but as time goes on, the demands of daily life can make it easy to lose focus. Taking a step back allows you to acknowledge how far you’ve come, realign your focus, and set yourself up for the weeks ahead. Celebrating even the smallest achievements can be a great way to boost your confidence and inspire you to keep moving forward.

If your reflection leaves you feeling like there’s more you could have done, let that be a source of motivation rather than frustration. Instead of dwelling on what hasn’t gone to plan, consider what you can adjust going forward. Were there any specific obstacles that stood in your way? Identifying them can help you create a clearer plan and make the next steps more achievable.

Celebrate the Wins – Big and Small

Take a minute to look back at the previous month, and reflect on what you’ve achieved. Did you stick to a new habit, take the first steps toward achieving your goals, or handle a challenging situation better than you might have before? Even small wins deserve recognition, as they are the building blocks of bigger successes.

To celebrate your progress and stay motivated in achieving your goals, try writing down your achievements in a journal, sharing them with a trusted friend, or treating yourself to something meaningful, a quiet moment of self-care, or even a small reward like a favourite book or meal. Acknowledging these moments boosts your self-esteem and reinforces the positive changes you’re making.

Understanding Self-Concept in Reflection

Reflection isn’t just about evaluating actions; it’s also an opportunity to connect with your self-concept, the way you perceive and define yourself.  Self-concept is made up of three components:

  1. Self-Image: How you see yourself, including physical attributes, personality traits, and roles in life.
  2. Self-Esteem: How much you value yourself and your abilities.
  3. Ideal Self: The person you aspire to be.

By reflecting on these aspects of self-concept, you can gain clarity on how your actions and habits align with the person you want to become. For example, does the way you’ve spent January reflect the goals and values of your ideal self? This awareness can help you make intentional changes to strengthen your self-concept and move closer to your aspirations.

What Have You Learned?

Reflection is also a chance to embrace the lessons of the past few weeks. Ask yourself:

  • What worked well for me this month?
  • What challenges did I face, and how did I respond?
  • Is there anything I’d like to approach differently moving forward?

These questions aren’t about criticism, they’re about curiosity. For example, you might realise that setting aside 10 minutes daily for mindfulness helped you feel more focused and calmer. Or perhaps you noticed that skipping your usual planning time on Sunday evenings made your week more chaotic. Understanding the patterns and choices that shaped January, you can step into February with greater clarity and intention.

Reconnect with Achieving Your Goals

The start of the year is often a time for big resolutions and goals. But now is a good time to check in with yourself:

  • Are your goals still aligned with what matters most to you?
  • Do you need to adjust your expectations or timeline?

Sometimes, we set goals that feel inspiring now but don’t reflect the reality of our lives. That’s okay. Giving yourself permission to adjust or refine your goals is a sign of growth, not failure.

A woman at her desk writing down her goals

Preparing for the Months Ahead

As you continue throughout the year, think about how you want to carry the momentum forward. Consider these steps to stay focused:

  1. Set Micro Goals: Break larger goals into smaller, more manageable steps. Progress is easier to achieve and sustain when it feels within reach.
  2. Revisit Your Priorities: Make sure your daily actions align with what’s most important to you.
  3. Celebrate Progress Along the Way: Build in moments to reflect on and reward your efforts, it keeps you motivated and encouraged.

A Fresh Start Every Month

The beauty of a year is that it offers 12 opportunities to reset and refocus. Whether January unfolded precisely as you’d hoped or brought unexpected challenges, each day, week, and month is a chance to start fresh.

Reflection allows you to move forward with purpose, confidence, and a sense of ownership over your journey, building on the progress you’ve already made or embracing the lessons learned.

Plan Your Next Steps Using Visualisation and Affirmations

As you reflect on the past month, take a moment to look ahead. Visualisation is a highly effective tool for finding focus and igniting motivation. Picture where you’d like to be in the next couple of months. What does your life look like? What habits have you embraced? How do you feel about your progress?

Pair this visualisation with affirmations to strengthen your mindset. For instance, you might say to yourself, “I am capable of achieving my goals,” or “I am becoming the best version of myself, step by step.” These positive reinforcements help align you with your intentions and remind you of your ability to create meaningful change.

I love myself as I am quote handwritten in blue and green

Take a Moment to Reflect

Before you dive into the month ahead, take a few minutes to reflect on where you’ve been, what you’ve learned, and how you want to grow. Progress isn’t about perfection; it’s about showing up for yourself, one step at a time.

You’ve already started the journey, wherever you’re heading, and that’s something to celebrate. If you get stuck when working on your personal short-term or long-term goals, you can reach out for support.

Wine O’Clock to Wellness: Making Sense of Drinking Habits

Wine O’clock to Wellness: Making Sense of Drinking Habits

For many people, drinking alcohol begins as a way to unwind, socialise, or manage stress at the end of the day. Over time, it can become a habit that feels harder to change than expected, even when you start to question whether it still fits the life you want.

These moments of reflection often come during times of change, when we begin to notice which habits are supporting us and which may no longer feel helpful.

How Drinking Became Normalised for Women

Drinking alcohol, especially wine and gin, has become increasingly normalised and even encouraged as a way for women to unwind. Popular phrases such as “wine o’clock” and “live, laugh, love and drink wine” have become part of everyday language, often framing drinking as a reward at the end of the day. While these messages can seem light-hearted, they can also make it easier to overlook the impact alcohol may be having on our mood, energy, and overall wellbeing.

For some people, reading or hearing these messages can prompt a moment of reflection. It may raise questions about personal habits, routines, and whether alcohol still plays the same role it once did. These reflections look different for everyone and there is no single right way to respond to them.

Reflecting on Your Drinking Habits

When it comes to drinking habits, everyone’s relationship with alcohol is different. For some, alcohol is part of everyday life, while for others it appears mainly in social situations or during periods of stress. Taking a moment to reflect on your own habits can sometimes bring clarity about what role alcohol plays for you.

People often drink for different reasons. For example:

  • Social drinking, where alcohol is linked with connection, socialising, or fitting in

  • Coping drinking, where alcohol is used to manage stress, worry, or emotional discomfort

  • Enhancement drinking, where alcohol is used to lift mood or add excitement

  • Conformity drinking, where alcohol feels tied to expectations or avoiding feeling left out

These descriptions are not labels, and many people recognise parts of themselves in more than one. The purpose of reflecting in this way is simply to build awareness and understanding, rather than to judge or categorise yourself.

Does It Help to Understand Your Drinking Habits?

Taking time to reflect on your drinking habits can sometimes help you notice patterns or triggers you may not have been aware of before. For some people, this brings reassurance. For others, it simply offers a clearer picture of how alcohol fits into their day-to-day life.

Rather than focusing on labels or categories, it can be more helpful to gently ask yourself how alcohol affects different areas of your life. This might include your mood, energy levels, relationships, or how you feel about yourself over time.

There is no right or wrong conclusion to reach. For many people, the value lies in the reflection itself and in becoming more aware of what feels supportive and what feels less so.

Why Do We Begin to Rely on Alcohol?

Alcohol can sometimes become part of daily life in ways we do not immediately notice. For many people, it starts as something that feels helpful, familiar, or comforting, especially during busy or demanding periods.

People often describe different reasons why alcohol becomes part of their routine. For example:

  • A way to relax, such as having a drink after work or once the house is quiet, which can begin to feel like an end-of-day ritual.

  • Coping with stress, where alcohol offers temporary relief from pressure, worry, or emotional load.

  • Easing boredom, particularly in the evenings, when drinking can make time feel fuller or more engaging.

  • Numbing difficult feelings, where alcohol acts as a distraction from uncomfortable thoughts or emotions.

  • A social habit, where gatherings or nights out feel centred around drinking, or alcohol helps people feel more at ease socially.

During times of change, such as starting a new job, moving house, or navigating a relationship shift, it can be especially easy for alcohol to take on a larger role. Noticing these patterns is not about blame or judgement, but about understanding what alcohol may be offering at different points in life.

Thinking About Safety and Support

If you are considering making changes to your drinking, it is important to think about your wellbeing and safety. For some people, alcohol has become a significant part of daily life, and sudden changes can feel physically or emotionally challenging.

If you have concerns about your health, or if drinking feels difficult to manage on your own, speaking with a GP or a specialist support service can be a helpful first step. Reaching out for guidance is a sign of self-care, not failure.

For many people, the starting point is not stopping immediately, but becoming more aware of their habits, triggers, and needs. Small, supported steps often feel more sustainable than drastic change.

woman looking sad sitting at a table contemplating drinking wine

The Link between Alcohol and Wellbeing

While alcohol may offer short-term relief, its longer-term effects can quietly affect different areas of well-being over time. Some people begin to notice changes that feel out of step with how they want to live or feel.

Common areas that can be affected include:

  • Physical health: Alcohol can place strain on the body over time, including the liver and heart, and may contribute to longer-term health concerns.

  • Emotional well-being: Drinking can sometimes intensify feelings of anxiety, low mood, or emotional flatness, particularly when used as a way to cope with stress.

  • Relationships: Alcohol can influence communication, patience, and connection, which may affect close relationships in subtle or more noticeable ways.

Periods of change often invite reflection. For many people, noticing how alcohol fits into their overall well-being becomes part of a wider process of reassessing what feels supportive and what no longer does. This awareness alone can be an important step in understanding personal needs and values as life evolves.

A Kinder Way Forward

For many people, change begins quietly. Not with a big decision, but with moments of noticing. Noticing how you feel in the mornings. Noticing what you reach for at the end of the day. Noticing what helps and what no longer feels supportive.

Reflecting on your relationship with alcohol can open space for greater clarity. Some people notice a growing desire for clearer mornings, more emotional steadiness, or a stronger sense of alignment with their values. Others simply begin to question habits that once felt automatic.

There is no single right outcome and no pressure to change everything at once. What matters is developing awareness and self-compassion as you explore what feels right for you at this stage of life.

For some, this reflection leads to gradual changes. For others, it offers insight, reassurance, or a clearer understanding of personal needs. All of these are valid starting points.

Supportive Strategies to Explore

If you’re trying to stop drinking alcohol or cut back, incorporating self-help techniques into your daily routine can make a significant difference. Here are some practical methods to support your efforts:

  1. Identify Your Triggers

Reflect on when and why you feel the urge to drink. Common triggers include stress, boredom, social pressure, or emotional distress. Once you know your triggers, you can prepare alternative coping strategies, such as journalling, walking, or practising deep breathing.

  1. Set Clear Goals

Decide whether you want to cut down or stop drinking completely. Set specific, achievable goals, like limiting yourself to a certain number of drinks per week or avoiding alcohol during weekdays. As you move forward tracking your progress can help you stay accountable and motivated.

  1. Replace the Habit

Find healthier alternatives to fill the time or emotional space that drinking occupies. This might include exercise, meditation, listening to pod-casts, reading, cooking, or taking up a new hobby. Substituting alcohol with non-alcoholic drinks, like sparkling water or herbal teas, can also help ease the transition.

  1. Create a Support System

Share your challenges and intentions with a trusted friend or family member who can support you. You may also find it helpful to join online communities or local support groups where others are on the same journey. Knowing you’re not alone can be incredibly encouraging.

  1. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness can help you stay in the present and become aware of your thoughts and emotions. When the urge to drink arises, take a moment to pause, take a deep breath, and ask yourself what you’re feeling. This awareness can help you choose a healthier response.

  1. Celebrate Your Wins

Acknowledge your progress, even if it seems small. Whether declining a drink at a party or going a week without alcohol, celebrating these victories builds confidence and reinforces your commitment to change.

woman's hand round a cup drinking a healthy herbal tea

Are You Ready to Take the Next Step?

Reducing or stopping drinking isn’t just about what you give up, it’s also about what you gain. Many people notice greater clarity, steadier energy, and an increased sense of confidence as they begin to change their relationship with alcohol.

If you’re starting to reflect more on your habits, it can help to focus on small, supportive changes rather than trying to overhaul everything at once. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s progress, and finding a way forward that feels healthier, calmer, and more aligned with the life you want.

Thinking About Stopping Vaping? Understanding Your Habits

Ready to Stop Vaping? Here’s How to Break Free for Good

For many women, vaping starts as a way to manage stress, transition from smoking, or simply get through a busy day. It can feel like a harmless habit, one that slots easily into your routine. But over time, what started as an occasional puff can become something harder to let go of.

If you’ve been thinking about quitting but keep putting it off, you’re not alone. Breaking free from nicotine isn’t just about willpower, it’s about understanding the triggers, routines, and beliefs that keep you reaching for your vape. Taking a step back and reflecting on your habits can be a powerful tool in making lasting changes. If you’re ready to take control and set meaningful goals, you might find this helpful: Achieving Your Goals: The Role of Reflection.

Why is Vaping So Hard to Quit?

One of the biggest reasons vaping is so difficult to stop is how easily it fits into daily life. Unlike cigarettes, which come with social and physical barriers, vaping is discreet. You can do it indoors, at work, or on the go without anyone noticing.

Another challenge is nicotine dependence. Whether you switched from smoking or started vaping on its own, nicotine is addictive. The cravings can feel relentless, and even when you want to stop, your brain may tell you otherwise.

There’s also a lot of uncertainty around vaping’s long-term effects. We know the dangers of smoking, but with vaping, research is still emerging. This lack of clarity can make quitting feel less urgent. But just because something isn’t proven to be as harmful as smoking doesn’t mean it’s harmless.

Inspirational quote ‘Positive energy knows no boundaries’ in a calming design

The Real Cost of Vaping

When people think about quitting, they often focus on nicotine cravings. But stepping away from vaping is about more than just breaking a physical habit, it’s about taking back control.

  • Your Health – While marketed as a safer option than cigarettes, vaping still affects your lungs, heart, and overall well-being. Many people report shortness of breath, an irritated throat, or increased anxiety.
  • Your Money – Small purchases add up fast. The cost of refills, pods, and devices can be surprising when you add it all up over a year.
  • Your Time & Freedom – How often do you find yourself automatically reaching for your vape without even thinking? Quitting means no more planning your day around cravings.

Breaking the Cycle – What Actually Works?

Quitting vaping isn’t just about avoiding your device, it’s about rewiring the habit. Many people try to quit using sheer willpower, but long-term success often requires a mix of habit change, mindset shifts, and practical tools.

Some of the most effective methods include:

  • Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT) – Patches, gum, or lozenges can help ease cravings while you adjust to life without vaping.
  • Behavioural Changes – Identifying when and why you vape can help you replace it with healthier alternatives.
  • Mindset Work – Addressing subconscious beliefs and stress triggers can make quitting feel easier and more natural. Methods like hypnotherapy and cognitive behavioural approaches can help break the mental and emotional connection to vaping.

Your Next Step to Stop Vaping for Good

If you’re ready to quit, the first step is understanding your personal triggers and finding a strategy that works for you. Whether you choose NRT, habit coaching, or therapeutic approaches like hypnosis, the key is having the right support to stay on track.

You don’t have to go it alone. I offer one-to-one sessions designed to help you break free from vaping in a way that fits your lifestyle.

Ditch Resolutions: Set Meaningful Goals for Lasting Change

Resolutions vs. Goals: How to Achieve Lasting Success This Year

The start of a new year often brings a whirlwind of emotions. On one hand, it’s a time of fresh beginnings and exciting possibilities. On the other, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the weight of expectations, lingering Christmas and New Year chaos, or the pressure to set and achieve ambitious goals. If you’re feeling stuck, scattered, or emotionally drained, know you’re not alone. The key to overcoming these challenges is shifting your approach to resolutions and goal-setting to achieve lasting success.

This blog will walk you through practical strategies to create meaningful, sustainable goals and explore why resolutions often fail. By adopting a more thoughtful and evidence-based approach, you’ll not only overcome overwhelm but also build a foundation for lasting success.

Why New Year’s Resolutions Often Fail and How to Achieve Lasting Success

Many people start the year with a list of resolutions, but studies show that most fade into the background by February. Why does this happen? Resolutions often focus on sweeping changes, such as “I’ll lose weight” or “I’ll save more money,” without a clear plan to achieve them. They’re frequently rooted in external pressures or unrealistic expectations, leading to frustration and burnout. Perhaps you’ve been carrying the same goal yearly but never seem to reach it. If that sounds familiar, it might be time to reassess and approach that goal differently.

Instead of rigid resolutions, consider setting flexible, meaningful goals that allow for growth and adaptation. Goals are less about perfection and more about progress. Focusing on small, manageable steps makes you more likely to stay motivated and achieve lasting success.

Resolutions vs. Goals: What’s the Difference?

Resolutions are often rigid and outcome-focused (“I’ll run a marathon this year”), whereas goals are more flexible and process-oriented (“I’ll work up to running 5km by the spring”). Goals give you space to adjust as life changes and allow for setbacks without feeling like you’ve failed.

This kind of flexibility is especially important during life transitions when unexpected shifts can make rigid goals feel overwhelming or unrealistic. If you’re navigating change—whether in your career, relationships, or personal growth—having the right support can help you set meaningful goals that evolve with you. Learn more about how Life Transitions Coaching can help you create a plan that works for your unique journey.

How to Set Effective Goals to Achieve Lasting Success

Be Specific: Instead of saying, “I want to be healthier,” set a goal like “I’ll go for a 30-minute walk three times a week.”

Make Them Measurable: Track your progress to stay motivated.
Keep Them Realistic: Aim for incremental improvements rather than drastic changes.
Set a Time Frame: Give yourself a target date to work toward.

Effective goal-setting isn’t just about choosing the right targets—it’s about creating a structure that sets you up for success. If you want to dive deeper into how to set goals that work for you, check out my blog on Setting Goals and Achieving them.

The Science of Goal Setting and Behaviour Change

1. Habit Formation: The 21/66-Day Rule

Popular advice often suggests it takes 21 days to form a habit, but research from University College London found that behaviour typically takes around 66 days to become automatic. The key is consistency rather than speed. Small, repeatable actions—like drinking a glass of water first thing in the morning—lay the foundation for achieving lasting success. (See References below for more on habit formation.)

2. The Transtheoretical Model (Stages of Change)

The Transtheoretical Model outlines five stages of behaviour change:

  • Precontemplation: Not yet considering change.
  • Contemplation: Starting to think about change.
  • Preparation: Making plans and setting goals.
  • Action: Actively working toward the change.
  • Maintenance: Sustaining the new behaviour.

Understanding where you are in this process can help you set realistic, achievable goals. If you’re in the contemplation stage, for example, the focus should be on gathering information and building motivation before diving into action. (See References below for more on behaviour change.)

3. Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation

According to Deci and Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory, goals driven by intrinsic motivation (e.g., “I want to feel healthier and have more energy”) are more sustainable than those based on extrinsic motivation (e.g., “I want to lose weight to look good in photos”). When your goals are aligned with your core values and personal aspirations, they become more meaningful and rewarding, increasing the likelihood of long-term success. (See References below for more on motivation and behaviour change.)

4. Implementation Intentions

Research by Dr. Peter Gollwitzer suggests that creating “if-then” plans increases the likelihood of achieving goals. These simple, structured plans help you anticipate challenges and stay on track by providing clear, actionable alternatives.

For example:

  • If I feel like vaping, then I’ll chew nicotine gum instead.
  • If I’m too tired to exercise, then I’ll commit to a 10-minute walk instead of skipping it.

By planning ahead for obstacles, you make it easier to stick to your goals and avoid falling into old habits. (See References below for more on goal-setting strategies.)

Why Resolutions Fail

Common pitfalls include:

  • Setting goals that are vague or unrealistic.
  • Trying to tackle too much at once.
  • Failing to plan for setbacks or challenges.

The solution? Start small, focus on one goal at a time, and create a clear plan for success.

An Example: Sarah’s Journey to Better Health

Sarah, 32, decided to improve her health. She’s been vaping for years, often paired with a glass or two of wine in the evenings. Sarah also struggles with eating processed foods when she is on the go, out of convenience, and as result often feels tired. Sarah’s initial thoughts might be to tackle everything at once, but instead, she decides to focus on one goal at a time.

Joyful woman with yellow cloth in the sunshine signifying achieving lasting success

Step 1: Identifying Priorities and Starting Small

Sarah reflects on which change would have the biggest impact on her overall health and decides to start by addressing her wine consumption. She sets a specific, achievable goal: to completely stop drinking initially, with the possibility of later transitioning to being a social drinker rather than drinking alone. It’s important to approach this safely—if you feel you might be dependent on alcohol, it’s essential to contact a healthcare provider, as stopping drinking abruptly can have health implications. In Sarah’s case, she recognised that her drinking was more of a habit she wanted to break rather than a dependence on alcohol.

By focusing solely on this one habit, Sarah avoids feeling overwhelmed. Each small success such as one night being alcohol free is counted as a big win.  Sarah has noticed triggers such as the evenings feel much longer without drinking so she has written a list of things she can do instead of reaching our for a glass of wine such as reading, going for a walk, catching up on some documentaries she has been wanting to watch or talking on the phone with her friends.

Step 2: Building Momentum with the Domino Effect

After four weeks, Sarah feels proud of her progress. She notices that she’s already starting to feel better physically, which motivates her to address her next goal: to stop vaping. She sets a new goal: “I will cut my vaping by half over the next two weeks by using nicotine gum.”

Surprisingly, Sarah finds it easier to tackle this goal because vaping and wine have been closely linked for her. Due to stopping drinking alcohol, she is less likely to pick up her vape. She has replaced her evening glass of wine with a new collection of herbal teas, which also starts to improve her sleep.

Step 3: Expanding to Healthier Eating

With more energy and better sleep, Sarah now feels ready to address her eating habits. She doesn’t try to overhaul her diet overnight but instead focuses on a single change: “I’ll prepare a healthy dinner three nights a week, starting with simple recipes.”

After a month, cooking becomes a habit. Sarah notices she’s snacking less and feels more in control of her eating. The small changes are adding up, and she’s beginning to see how much better she feels.

Step 4: Continuing to Build Over Time

Sarah’s final focus is improving her sleep. By now, the healthier eating and reduced alcohol are already helping her feel less sluggish, but she set a clear goal to stop scrolling on her phone before bed and commit to a consistent bedtime. With each change driving the next, Sarah finds herself healthier, happier, and more energised than when she started.

Reassess and Adapt as You Go

Life is unpredictable, and your goals should be flexible enough to adapt to changing circumstances. Schedule regular check-ins with yourself to evaluate what’s working and what needs adjustment. Maybe a goal you set in January no longer feels relevant by March, or you’ve made progress faster than expected and are ready to take on a new challenge.

Tip: Reflect on your progress monthly. Celebrate wins, learn from setbacks, and adjust your goals as needed.

Building Rest and Enjoyment into Your Plan

It’s important to remember rest and happiness are essential parts of the process. Achieving your goals shouldn’t feel like a chore. Incorporate activities that bring you happiness and relaxation, whether it’s spending time with loved ones, engaging in a hobby, or simply enjoying a quiet moment with a cup of tea.

Tip: Schedule relaxation time just as you would any other commitment. Rest is productive because it replenishes your energy and focus.

Relaxing table with bouquet poppies, alarm clock and books

Final Thoughts

This year, to achieve lasting success, give yourself the gift of a more thoughtful, balanced approach to growth. By addressing overwhelm, setting meaningful goals, and taking a holistic view of your well-being, you can create lasting change in your life. Remember, progress is more important than perfection. Start small, reassess often, and celebrate each step forward. A healthier, happier you is within reach, one goal at a time.

References

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behavior. Springer Science & Business Media

Gollwitzer, P. M. (1999). Implementation intentions: Strong effects of simple plans. American Psychologist, 54(7), 493-503.

Lally, P., van Jaarsveld, C. H. M., Potts, H. W. W., & Wardle, J. (2009). How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998-1009

Prochaska, J. O., & DiClemente, C. C. (1983). Stages and processes of self-change of smoking: Toward an integrative model of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 51(3), 390–395.

6 Tips for Managing Life Transitions (with Confidence)

6 Tips for Managing Life Transitions (with Confidence)

Life transitions can be exciting, full of possibilities, and packed with hope for what’s to come. But they can also feel overwhelming. Balancing the demands of work, family, relationships, and your own well-being during times of change can leave you feeling stretched thin.

When life throws something new your way, it’s natural to find yourself at a crossroads, wondering which path to take.

Research indicates that significant life transitions can influence our personality traits, shaping how we see ourselves and our roles in the world. These shifts might feel unsettling, but they also present an incredible opportunity for growth and self-discovery.

If you’re navigating a life transition, the good news is that you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can provide the clarity, tools, and support to help you face these moments with confidence and resilience.

The Challenges of Life Transitions

Life transitions take many forms:

  • Starting university or a new career.
  • Adjusting to life with ADHD as an adult.
  • Navigating the changes that midlife brings.

While these shifts can bring exciting opportunities, they often stir up feelings of uncertainty, self-doubt, or even fear. You might wonder whether you’re making the right choices or how to handle the challenges ahead.

By taking small steps forward, you can build the confidence to approach these transitions with clarity and calmness.

  1. Embrace Change with Self-Compassion

It’s normal to feel unsure or anxious when life changes. Instead of criticising yourself for not having everything figured out, try to extend the same kindness you’d offer a friend in your position.

Try this: At the end of each day, write down one kind thing you can say to yourself about how you handled the day’s challenges. For example, “I’m proud of how I stayed calm during that meeting” or “It’s okay that I needed a break today.”

2. Create a Clear Vision of Your New Path

Take a moment to picture where you’d like to be after this transition. What does your ideal life look like? Writing down your goals and breaking them into smaller, more achievable steps can make even the most significant changes feel manageable.

Try this: Write down one goal for the week and list three small actions to help you achieve it. Ensure you take the time to feel a sense of pride when you reach your goal, as this will serve as the driver to move you forward.

3. Stay Present in the Moment

It’s easy to get caught up in ruminating about the past or worry excessively about the future, but staying focused on the present can help reduce overwhelm. Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or grounding exercises, are powerful tools for staying calm and clear-headed.

Try this: Close your eyes and take five slow breaths, focusing on the sensation of air moving in and out of your body. Notice how your shoulders and chest feel as you exhale tension. Thoughts may come into your mind, but allow them to pass without judgment, and then refocus on your breathing.

4. Build a Support System

Transitions can feel isolating, but you don’t have to go through them alone. Talking things through with supportive friends, family, or even a therapist can help you process your feelings and feel more connected.

Try this: Reach out to a trusted friend or join an online community that relates to your experience. Sharing your story can make the load feel lighter. You may be surprised as there are often people experiencing similar challenges, and it can be helpful to connect with someone who has lived experience of the changes you are working through.

5. Establish Healthy Routines

During transitions, maintaining structure in your day can create a sense of stability. Simple routines, like regular exercise, journalling, or scheduling quiet time, can help you feel more grounded and in control.

Try this: Create a morning routine with three calming actions, like stretching, sipping a cup of tea, or setting an intention for the day. A healthy routine doesn’t have to involve oodles of self-care techniques; remind yourself that often less is more.

6. Reframe Negative Thoughts

Big changes often come with self-doubt or fear of failure. Learning to challenge and reframe negative thoughts into positive ones can transform your outlook.

Try this: When you catch yourself thinking, “I’ll never manage this,” replace it with, “I’m figuring it out step by step.”

Female student standing outside university looking confident

Navigating University and Entering the Workforce: Emma’s Story

Emma, a university student, came to me during her final year. She felt overwhelmed by upcoming deadlines, her dissertation, and the challenge of balancing studies with an active social life. Together, we worked on breaking her tasks into more manageable steps, prioritising self-care, and finding a routine that made her feel organised and more confident.

After graduation, Emma faced new challenges: adjusting to life back home and transitioning into her first ‘real’ job. She worried about leaving her university friends behind and stepping into the unknown world of a 9-to-5 role.

Through therapy, Emma learned strategies for managing her anxieties, preparing for interviews, and creating boundaries between work and personal life. I’m so proud of how she overcame her fears, adapted to her new routine, and built a balanced and fulfilling life.

Emma’s story is a reminder that even the most overwhelming transitions can become stepping stones to growth.

The Benefit of Personalised Support

Life transitions are deeply personal, and the right support can make all the difference. Therapy offers tailored insights, tools, and strategies designed to help you navigate change with clarity and confidence.

My approach is holistic, addressing the mind, body, and emotions to create a sense of balance and resilience. Through mindfulness, practical techniques, and self-compassion, we work together to help you move forward in a way that feels right for you. Learn more about how I can support you on my Life Transitions page.

Man standing by two green pathways deciding which route to take

A Holistic Approach to Life Transitions

Navigating life transitions holistically means addressing the mind, body, and spirit together. This interconnected approach acknowledges that emotional health, physical well-being, and mental clarity are important when managing change.

For instance, mindfulness techniques can reduce stress and enhance focus, while lifestyle adjustments such as maintaining a healthy diet and engaging in some physical activities support overall wellness.

Incorporating self-compassion practices nurtures emotional health and creates a grounded pathway, empowering you to move forward with confidence.

Clear Haven Therapy: Therapeutic Services

Navigating change is easier with the right support. Whether you’re looking for counselling, coaching, or RTT I offer approaches tailored to your needs. Learn more about how I can support you here.

Embracing Life Transitions: University, Midlife, and Beyond

Whether you’re moving from university to the working world, navigating midlife changes, or discovering you have ADHD in adulthood, therapy can provide the support you need. For students transitioning into the workplace, therapy creates a supportive space to address lifestyle changes, time management, and clarity in career paths.

Midlife often invites reflection and reassessment of life’s direction, from navigating menopause to exploring new career opportunities. Therapy allows you to reconnect with what truly matters, rediscovering past interests or finding new passions that resonate with your current lifestyle.

Life transitions may bring uncertainty, but they also offer the chance to grow, redefine your path, and create a life that truly aligns with you. With the right support, you can move through change with confidence, knowing that every step forward brings new opportunities.

Further Reading:

Bleidorn, W., Hopwood, C. J., & Lucas, R. E. (2018). Life Events and Personality Trait Change. Journal of Personality, 86(1), 83–96.

How to STOP Overthinking: Tips, Techniques and Strategies

How to STOP Overthinking: Tips, Techniques and Strategies

As a counsellor and coach, I often hear clients asking me how to stop overthinking. Clients describe overthinking as a constant barrage of negative thoughts racing through their minds, the sound of continuous chatter, or playing out past and future scenarios, all with different endings. This blog will provide tips, techniques, and strategies to help you stop overthinking in its tracks, providing you with the calmness your body and mind need.

Constant intrusive thoughts can make people anxious and stressed, impacting how they feel during the day. They can also cause sleepless nights, which can take its toll on a person’s mental health. Overthinking can feel like a relentless cycle of destructive thought patterns and catastrophic predictions that refuse to switch off or quiet down. If you experience this level of overthinking, you know how exhausting it can be.

I often liken overthinking to going on an emotional roller-coaster; you repeatedly experience the emotions attached to events that your mind creates. You have been on this emotional journey but haven’t been anywhere apart from trapped in an endless cycle of anxious thoughts.

Let’s examine the triggers, mental and physical symptoms, and tips and strategies for conquering negative thinking patterns.

What Triggers Overthinking?

Understanding what triggers overthinking can be revealing. This insight can help you achieve a more calming and peaceful mind and lead you to personal growth.

Notice how overthinking tends to start for you. It is triggered by;

  • An event or situation that you find stressful
  • A sudden recollection of past events that has made you feel embarrassed or not good enough?  An assumption based on how you perceive the actions of others
  • The fear of confrontation or upsetting another person

For example, it could be a sideways glance from a friend, the tone of a work email, or an unanswered WhatsApp message. Thoughts can quickly escalate and result in running different conversations through your mind, with different endings; usually, these thoughts have worst-case scenario outcomes.

When you notice the triggers, the next time you end up overthinking, you can remind yourself that it is just a thought, not a fact. You can then decide what you would like to do with the idea. Is there some problem-solving to do? How does the thought make you feel? Can you describe the feeling and name it? Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a therapy that can help with reframing thoughts. The premise of CBT is that thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are all interlinked.

The Downside of Overthinking

Overthinking, catastrophising, and trapping yourself in negative thought patterns prevent you from living in the present moment. Getting into the vicious cycle of overthinking can impact your daily life. Research demonstrates overthinking can be responsible for issues which include:

  • Mental Health Conditions
  • Isolation
  • Sleep Issues
  • Procrastination
  • Low confidence and low self-esteem
  • Headaches, muscle tension and digestive problems

This physical and mental toll is a stark reminder of the need to address overthinking. However, the million-dollar question is, what is the best way to free yourself from overthinking?

Breaking Free from Overthinking

Breaking free from overthinking isn’t just about pushing away your thoughts. It’s about taking control, changing your relationship with these persistent thoughts, and finding alternative ways to manage them.

An excellent place to start is to recognise how overthinking affects you. Notice the mental and physical symptoms and reflect on how they impact other areas of your life, such as interacting with others, progressing in the workplace, or procrastinating. Then, flip this on its side: If you didn’t overthink, what would life look like then? This part is essential as it serves as the driver for you to beat overthinking.

Reflecting on your thoughts may seem counterproductive, as it involves more thinking! However, stay with me. Overthinking can sometimes be helpful, but you must find better ways to manage your overthinking habits, which we will discuss later in this blog.

Reviewing the past and planning the future can be helpful. However, it is essential to enjoy the here and now rather than getting caught up in a spiral of “what ifs”, “could haves “, and “should haves.”

Overthinking and The Red Car Theory?

The Red Car Theory suggests that when you focus on something, you start noticing it everywhere. For example, if you think about a red car, suddenly, it seems like they’re all over the road. In reality, the number of red cars hasn’t increased, your brain is just more tuned in to them because they’re at the forefront of your mind. Everything else fades into the background as your attention locks onto what you’re looking for.

This theory highlights how selective attention shapes our perception. When you overthink, your mind fixates on certain thoughts, making them feel overwhelming and ever-present. Recognising this can bring relief, helping you step back and see the bigger picture.

Case Study: How the Red Car Theory Fits with Overthinking

Emma’s colleague Tom comes into work one day and is unusually quiet. Emma notices Tom doesn’t smile when he sits down and doesn’t speak for most of the morning.

Emma started thinking about what she could have done or said to upset him. Was it the last email she sent? Did it sound curt rather than friendly? Emma revisited past situations in her mind, such as the time she forgot to hand over an important document and the time she missed a necessary appointment.

Emma concludes that she has made Tom angry, which must be related to her incompetence. She remembers other times when Tom was quiet and believes he doesn’t like working with her.

With these thoughts going through her mind, Emma struggles to focus on her work. She becomes aware of other colleagues around her interacting with each other, making her feel more alone and unpopular. These thoughts confirm to Emma that Tom doesn’t like her, that she is unpopular in the office, and that she HAS evidence of this.

What is Confirmation Bias?

However, the reality of this situation is likely to be quite different. There could be several reasons why Tom was quiet; he may have had bad news before coming into the office, missed the earlier train he intended to catch, or had a difficult night’s sleep. Similarly, Emma’s colleagues often chat and interact with each other; this isn’t unusual as they sit next to each other and must interact within their roles.

This example demonstrates confirmation bias, which occurs when you seek information to support your thoughts and disregard any other information that does not fit the story you are telling yourself. Confirmation bias can impact decision-making and your perception of situations and events.

Practical Steps to Overcome Overthinking

Overcoming the relentless noise of overthinking involves a multifaceted approach. As a Pluralistic Counsellor, there is no one-size-fits-all approach; it’s more about trying different techniques until you discover what works best for you.

Below is a range of self-care techniques known to help with overthinking. Trying different techniques can take time, but investing time in yourself is the first positive step.

  • Breathing Exercises:

    Deep breathing exercises are a great way to stop overthinking. You can try many different breathing exercises, including the Square Breathing Technique, which will help slow down your heart rate, make you feel more relaxed, and give you mental clarity.

  • Keeping a Gratitude Journal:

    Every day, spend a few minutes writing down what you are grateful for, or if you do it in the evening, write about what you have been thankful for during the day. It can be something that would typically go unnoticed, such as the beauty of nature around you, the brief interaction you had on your morning commute, or ticking jobs off your ‘to-do’ list. If you would like more information on the benefits of journalling, you might like my blog.

  • Body Scan Meditation:

    Get comfortable and focus your attention on different parts of your body. Begin with your toes and move upwards, noticing any areas of tension or discomfort. This exercise brings an awareness of the present moment and highlights how overthinking can impact physical health.

  • Mindfulness Meditation Practices:

    Pick up a small object and hold it in your hand.   Set a timer for five minutes and adequately focus on this object. How does it feel? Move your hand over the different textures, take in every detail, how it smells, and look at the colours. If thoughts come into your mind, just let them go and bring yourself back to looking at the object as soon as you notice them.

  • Physical Activity:

    When you exercise, your body releases many hormones that make you feel good, such as endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine. Exercise can be anything from a brisk walk to gentle exercise, team sports, or a gym workout. Choose whatever works best for you.

  • Allocate Time to Reflect:

    It can help to observe a thought mindfully rather than pushing it away. Accept the thought without judgment; write it down or do some problem-solving. A good tip is to allocate a time limit to reflect on thoughts during the day; often, when you reflect on them at a different time, they may feel insignificant, and you can let them go.

These techniques will help you stay in the present and offer you peace and tranquillity while your focus is only on what you are doing. The good news is that you will feel empowered by taking control of your mind, knowing you prioritise your mental health and overall well-being.

Close-up of running trainers, illustrating how exercise can alleviate overthinking.

When Overthinking Can Be Helpful

Overthinking often carries negative connotations, and if you identify as an overthinker, you might have heard comments like:

  • ‘It’s not that complicated. What’s your gut telling you?’
  • ‘You’re spending too much time thinking about this.’
  • ‘Are you still dwelling on this? Why not make a decision?’
  • ‘I can see this situation is stressing you; you’re overthinking it.’

Overthinking frequently stems from a fear of making the wrong decision. However, there’s often no definitive right or wrong choice; we must decide based on the information available. This is where problem-solving becomes a powerful tool, helping to identify actionable steps toward the best possible outcome.

In his article, ‘In Defence of (Over) Thinking,’ SuddhaSatwa GuhaRoy (2024) discusses how overthinking can be beneficial, particularly in academic research, problem-solving, or making significant life decisions. He suggests setting aside time to engage with recurring thoughts mindfully. Allocate time to sit with these thoughts; some may not require further consideration, while others might benefit from structured problem-solving. By taking this approach, you can determine the necessary steps to address specific concerns.

To Conclude

You don’t have to live a life filled with constant worry. Overthinking doesn’t define you, and with the right strategies, you can regain clarity and confidence in your decisions. Exploring the root cause of overthinking, whether it’s self-doubt, perfectionism, or low confidence, can help you break free from the cycle. As you strengthen your decision-making skills, you’ll naturally build self-trust, boost your self-esteem, and reduce the urge to overthink.

Many of these strategies can be effective on their own or with the support of a trusted friend. If you’d like extra guidance, professional support can help you move forward with greater clarity and self-awareness.

If you recognise that overthinking often comes with racing thoughts, distractibility, or emotional overwhelm, you may find my ADHD-informed courses designed to support focus, calm, and confidence.

Further Reading:

Nickerson, R. S. (1998). Confirmation Bias: A Ubiquitous Phenomenon in Many Guises. Review of General Psychology, 2(2), 175–220. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.2.2.175

Rensink, R. A. (2000). The Dynamic Representation of Scenes. Visual Cognition, 7(1-3), 17-42. https://doi.org/10.1080/135062800394667

GuhaRoy, S. (2024). In Defence of (Over)Thinking. Think, 23(67), 21–26. https://doi.org/10.1017/S1477175623000441

ADHD Coaching Tips for Workplace Success

ADHD Coaching Tips for Workplace Success

As an ADHD coach and counsellor, I’ve supported over 160 clients, many of whom have found the workplace challenging to navigate. Anxiety about going into work, self-doubt, and imposter syndrome are common struggles, whether ADHD is diagnosed or not. With my experience across both counselling and ADHD coaching, I’ve seen how the right strategies can make a significant difference to focus, confidence, and wellbeing at work.

Managing ADHD at work comes with unique challenges, but with tailored approaches and supportive techniques, it’s entirely possible to thrive.

In this blog, we’ll explore practical ways to navigate work life with greater ease and balance. Whether you’re struggling with organisation, time management, or workplace anxiety, these insights can help you feel more confident, capable, and in control.

When work feels manageable, everything else can start to improve, your motivation, confidence, and overall wellbeing.

ADHD at Work: Understanding the Challenges

If you have ADHD, you’re not alone in finding work challenging. Research shows that adults with ADHD often change jobs more frequently, experience career instability, or go through periods of unemployment.

This can stem from difficulties with time management, organisation, task completion, and maintaining focus. For example, you might struggle to meet deadlines because time gets away from you, or find it hard to keep your workspace organised.

On top of that, impulsivity, emotional ups and downs, and sensitivity to criticism can make things even harder. Even with valuable skills, many people with ADHD struggle to find workplaces that truly support their needs, leading to frustration and career setbacks.

But here’s the good news, these challenges don’t have to define your work life. With the right support and strategies, you can turn them into opportunities for growth and success.

Overcommitting and People-Pleasing in the Workplace

If you have ADHD, you might find yourself saying “yes” to too many tasks, eager to help or afraid of letting people down. This tendency to people-please can make you a valued team member, but it often comes at a cost, burnout, overwhelm, and reduced productivity.

Learning to set clear boundaries and prioritise tasks is key to managing this habit. By recognising your limits and focusing on what truly matters, you can create a more balanced and sustainable approach to work, without feeling guilty for saying no.  If you’d like to dive deeper into people-pleasing, check out my blog on the topic.

Work colleagues using laptops and collaborating in an ADHD-friendly workplace

How ADHD Traits Affect the Workplace

Some ADHD traits that might seem like harmless quirks at home can have a big impact in professional settings. Common challenges include:

  • Boredom: Losing interest in tasks or projects quickly, especially repetitive or unengaging work.
  • Distractions: Struggling to stay focused due to internal distractions (like daydreaming) or external ones (like office noise or conversations).
  • Forgetfulness: Finding it hard to remember tasks, deadlines, or responsibilities.
  • Hyperactivity: Feeling restless and struggling to stay still, which can be challenging in meetings or desk-based jobs.
  • Impulsiveness: Making quick decisions or comments without fully considering the consequences.
  • Difficulty with workplace interactions: Being overly blunt, interrupting conversations, or struggling with active listening.
  • Time management issues: Underestimating how long tasks will take or frequently missing deadlines.
  • Procrastination: Delaying tasks until the last minute, even when you know it’ll cause stress.
  • Sensory sensitivities: Being easily overwhelmed by noise, bright lights, or other environmental factors, making it harder to concentrate and stay comfortable.

Successfully Managing ADHD in the Workplace

Effectively managing ADHD at work often requires a mix of personal strategies and external support. One key step is open communication with your employer, discussing your needs can help you explore reasonable adjustments that make a real difference.

Many companies offer support, such as assistive technology, noise-cancelling headphones, or access to quiet workspaces. In the UK, the government-funded Access to Work programme can provide additional help, including specialist equipment, software, and ADHD coaching.

Practical Strategies for Managing ADHD in the Workplace

Focusing Tools:

  • Create checklists to keep tasks organised.
  • Minimise distractions by turning off notifications.
  • Schedule specific times for returning calls and emails.
  • Use sticky notes as quick reminders.
  • Allow extra time for task completion to reduce stress.
  • Take regular breaks to recharge and maintain focus.
  • Start your workday earlier to get a head start before distractions set in.

Time-Management Tips:

  • Set alerts for deadlines to stay on track.
  • Use timers to maintain focus and prevent time slipping away.
  • Break tasks down into smaller, manageable steps.
  • Rotate tasks to sustain interest and avoid boredom.
  • Find an accountability partner for support and motivation

Communication Strategies:

  • Practice active listening to stay engaged in conversations.
  • Ask for repetition if you need clarification.
  • Keep conversations concise to stay on topic.
  • Slow down speech to ensure effective participation.
  • Read body language to improve social interactions.

Centering Techniques:

  • Use relaxation techniques like deep breathing or meditation.
  • Identify triggers for impulsivity and develop strategies to manage them.
  • Track effective strategies so you can use them when needed.

Turning ADHD Traits into Workplace Strengths

ADHD isn’t just about challenges, it also brings valuable strengths to the workplace. Many individuals with ADHD are naturally creative thinkers, generating fresh ideas and solutions by looking beyond traditional approaches.

The ability to hyperfocus on engaging tasks allows for deep, high-quality work and innovative insights. In fast-paced environments, their quick thinking, adaptability, and problem-solving skills can be a real asset.

When supported with the right strategies, these strengths help create a dynamic, productive workplace where ADHD traits become advantages rather than obstacles.

Managing ADHD at Work: Next Steps

Many people with ADHD face challenges at work, but with the right support and strategies, it’s possible not only to manage these difficulties but to feel more confident and capable in your role. If you’re finding things difficult, it’s important to know that you don’t have to work it out on your own. The right guidance can make a meaningful difference.

As an ADHD coach and counsellor, I support adults to work with their ADHD in practical, realistic ways that fit everyday working life. This can include building structure, improving focus, managing overwhelm, and developing approaches that feel sustainable rather than forced.

If you would like to explore this further, you may find my ADHD coaching courses helpful. They offer structured, self-paced support focused on workplace challenges, motivation, and confidence, and can be used alongside other forms of support.

References:

APA (7th Edition)

Harrison, L., Wilson, M., Sargent, P. A., Haselgrove, M., & Lawrence, N. S. (2022). Evaluating the effectiveness of exposure therapy for vomiting phobia: A systematic review. BMC Psychiatry, 22, 609. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-022-04409-w

Student Success with ADHD: Daily Planning Tips for University Life

Student Success with ADHD: Daily Planning Tips for University Life

Navigating university life is an exciting milestone, but for students with ADHD, it can also be overwhelming. From managing coursework deadlines to balancing social life and self-care, structuring a routine that works for you is key.

A major study by Bristol University found that one in seven students has ADHD or autism, equating to around 14% of all students. The research also highlighted a strong link between ADHD and other neurodevelopmental conditions, such as dyslexia and dyspraxia, as well as mental health challenges like anxiety and depression.

So, how can students with ADHD thrive at university? One of the most effective strategies is creating an ADHD-friendly daily plan to improve focus, reduce overwhelm, and enhance academic success. Whether you’re newly diagnosed or have been navigating ADHD for years, this guide will provide practical strategies to help you stay organised and manage university life with confidence.

Structuring an ADHD-Friendly Schedule

Taking charge of your time management is one of the best ways to create a structured yet flexible daily routine that supports your academic and personal success. A well-planned schedule can help you prioritise tasks, reduce procrastination, and feel in control, all while allowing time for social activities and self-care.

At first, creating a routine might feel overwhelming. However, by developing an effective morning routine, using ADHD-friendly study strategies, and maintaining consistent sleep habits, you can significantly lower stress levels and set yourself up for success.

What is ADHD Paralysis?

ADHD paralysis, or task paralysis, occurs when you feel mentally ‘stuck’ and unable to begin or complete tasks—even when you know they are important. This can stem from overwhelm, perfectionism, or difficulty prioritising tasks.

Breaking free from ADHD paralysis involves:

✔ Breaking tasks into smaller steps

✔ Setting clear, realistic goals

✔ Using visual and digital organisational tools

✔ Incorporating rewards and self-motivation strategies

With the right techniques, you can regain momentum and tackle tasks with greater ease!

8 Daily Planning Tips for Students with ADHD

1. Find the Right Planner for You

Choose a planner that suits your ADHD-friendly workflow, whether that’s a digital calendar, a wall planner, whiteboard, or physical journal. There is no one-size-fits-all, so experiment until you find what works best!

If you struggle with consistency, view it as a work in progress rather than a failure. The key is to make your planner an enjoyable tool that supports your goals rather than feeling like a chore.

2. Schedule a Study Routine

Your study schedule should be anchored by non-negotiable commitments such as lectures and deadlines. Around these, schedule ‘negotiables’ such as study breaks, meals, and exercise to ensure a balanced approach to productivity and well-being.

Be flexible! If a particular study method isn’t working, adjust it until you find a structure that supports both focus and relaxation.

3. Establish a Sleep Routine

A consistent sleep schedule is essential for managing ADHD effectively. Sleep deprivation can make inattention, emotional dysregulation, and forgetfulness worse.

🔹 Try the ‘5-4-3-2-1’ method: When your alarm rings, challenge yourself to get out of bed before finishing your countdown.

🔹 Minimise screen time before bed to improve sleep quality.

🔹 Create a bedtime wind-down routine, such as listening to my free Sleep Meditation here, designed to help you relax and drift into deep, restorative sleep.

4. Organise Your Morning Routine

Your mornings set the tone for the day. Consider preparing your bag, outfit, and meals the night before to reduce stress in the morning.

Visualisation is also a powerful tool, take a few moments before bed to mentally ‘rehearse’ the next day’s plan, reinforcing structure and preparedness.

5. Maximise Your Productivity with Timers

ADHD brains often struggle with time blindness, making it difficult to estimate how long tasks will take.

✔ Use a timer to track how long your morning routine, study sessions, or commutes take.

✔ Keep an analogue clock or wall clock in your workspace instead of relying on your phone to avoid distractions.

✔ Set designated time slots for social media use to prevent unintentional procrastination.

6. Maintain Energy with Regular Meals

Nutrition plays a huge role in concentration and mood regulation. Plan meals ahead of time to avoid impulsive eating and ensure balanced intake of carbs, healthy fats, and proteins for sustained energy.

✔ Avoid sugary snacks that can lead to energy crashes.

✔ Stay hydrated throughout the day!

✔ Prepare healthy grab-and-go snacks such as nuts, yoghurt, or fruit.

7. Schedule Downtime & Self-Care

Your well-being is just as important as your academic success. Prioritise activities that relax and recharge you—whether that’s exercise, meditation, creative hobbies, or time with friends.

⏳ Balance social events with academic priorities by scheduling gatherings on lighter workload days.

💡 If you’re prone to ADHD paralysis, use small ‘reset’ activities, like taking a shower, listening to music, or going for a walk, to break the cycle and regain focus.

Group of students walking together discussing course notes

8. Practise Meditation for Focus & Calm

Meditation is an excellent tool for ADHD students, helping to improve emotional regulation, reduce stress, and enhance focus. Even just five minutes of mindfulness can strengthen concentration and clarity.

Final Thoughts: Creating a Routine That Works for You

Building an ADHD-friendly university routine isn’t about rigid perfection; it’s about finding what works best for you and allowing flexibility as you grow.

Here’s a quick success checklist:
✓ Flexibility: Adjust your routine as needed.
✓ Consistency: Small daily habits lead to long-term success.
✓ Accountability: Share your schedule with friends or housemates.
✓ Rewards: Celebrate small wins to keep yourself motivated.

For more personalised support, I also offer ADHD coaching and have a library of ADHD-informed courses that can help with challenges such as motivation, procrastination, overthinking and emotional overwhelm and

References:

FE News. (2023, September 12). One in seven university students report having ADHD or being autistic, new study reveals. FE News. Retrieved from https://www.fenews.co.uk/education/one-in-seven-university-students-report-having-adhd-or-being-autistic-new-study-reveals/

Access to Work: ADHD Strategy Coaching

Access To Work: ADHD Strategy Coaching

Living with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) can present a unique set of challenges in the workplace. If you are diagnosed with ADHD or identify as having undiagnosed ADHD, you may experience difficulties with executive functioning, emotional regulation and impulse control. These ADHD traits can impact workplace productivity and overall job satisfaction.  However, as an ADHD Coach, I can provide the correct support to help you learn techniques and strategies tailored to your unique needs, enabling you to thrive in the workplace.

What is Access to Work?

Access to Work is a government-funded program in the UK designed to help people with neurodivergent conditions, physical disabilities, or mental health issues overcome work-related barriers. If you have ADHD, Access to Work can provide funding for equipment and services to help you in the workplace, such as individual ADHD Coaching, assistive technology and workplace adjustments.

How ADHD Coaching Can Help Through Access to Work

Access to Work provides financial support for ADHD coaching services ranging from 6 to 26 weeks. Your individual needs and circumstances determine the financial support needed, which can cover a significant portion of the coaching fees, making it more affordable and accessible.

Boosting Workplace Performance Through ADHD Coaching

Personalised Strategy Development

ADHD traits show up differently for everyone; therefore, ADHD coaching looks different for everyone. A professional ADHD coach will have carried out specific training around ADHD’s challenges and can introduce practical strategies to help you succeed in the workplace. ADHD Coaching is typically a goal-oriented process; with your coach, you can plan short-term and long-term goals you would like to focus on.  An ADHD Coach will also help with other areas of your life that you may be struggling with that affect workplace performance.  For example, you may have personal goals such as cooking healthy meals or keeping your home clean and tidy, as these factors can also impact workplace performance.

Enhanced Productivity and Focus:

Enhanced Productivity and Focus: Many individuals with ADHD have problems with executive functioning, which includes difficulties with time management, emotional regulation, task initiation, prioritisation, and planning andorganisation. Part of the ADHD Coaching process is introducing techniques and strategies to help with these challenges. Setting and achieving goals will boost your self-esteem, which can help in all areas of life.  Techniques frequently used by ADHD Coaches include cognitive behavioural therapy, mindfulness practices, and strategies that can help with executive functions, emotional regulation and impulse control.

Building Confidence and Resilience:

ADHD can lead to feelings of frustration, self-doubt, and imposter syndrome, particularly relating to workplace performance. ADHD coaching can help you build confidence and self-esteem by focusing on your strengths and achievements. Developing coping strategies and concentrating on your talents is the best way to improve your work performance and overall self-worth.

Improving Communication Skills:

Communicating effectively in the workplace is essential for workplace success. For individuals with ADHD, communicating with others can, at times, be challenging, particularly in high-stress situations or when faced with complex instructions. ADHD Coaching can help you develop new skills, such as communicating assertively, advocating for yourself, asking for help or clarification, improving your social skills, and managing impulsive tendencies during conversations.

Ongoing Support and Accountability:

ADHD Coaching is more than developing strategies; it provides ongoing support and accountability. Your coach will work with you to set goals, track your progress, adjust strategies as needed, and celebrate your successes. This regular support can be invaluable in helping you stay on track and continue to grow personally and professionally.

​Assistive Technology and Equipment:

Funding is available for various assistive technologies and equipment to aid concentration, organisation, and productivity. Examples include noise-cancelling headphones to block out distractions, screen readers to assist with reading and comprehension, and mind-mapping software to help with brainstorming and planning.

Travel and Transportation Support:

Access to Work can assist with transportation to and from work, alleviating challenges associated with commuting.

Mental Health Support:

The Access to Work program offers a range of mental health services to manage stress and anxiety associated with ADHD. These include counselling, therapy, and access to mental health resources and support groups.

Smiling woman in the workplace holding headphones

Who Can Apply for Access to Work Funding?

  • UK residents aged 16 and over
  • Engaged in full-time or part-time employment
  • About to start or return to jobs within the next 12 weeks
  • Self-employed

Do I Need a Formal Diagnosis to Apply for Access to Work Support?

You can still be eligible for support without a formal diagnosis. This flexibility ensures that people can access the help they need regardless of their diagnostic status.

This commitment to inclusivity guarantees that everyone, regardless of specific circumstances, is appreciated and integrated into a supportive community.

The program provides funding for ADHD Coaching and any necessary accommodation for you or your employer to ensure you can thrive. Access to Work offers grants of up to £66,000 annually. This financial support covers the costs of assistance tailored to your specific needs.

How to Apply for Access to Work Support

If you are employed, involving your employer and the HR team is beneficial when applying. They can contribute around 20% towards the funding and assist with the application process. Their support and involvement can make your application smoother and more successful.

If self-employed, you can apply directly through the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) website without employer involvement. The application form is available online.

Applying for Access to Work is straightforward. In the application, you must describe how your condition presents challenges in your role. When completing the application, strive for transparency and thoroughness to ensure you receive the support you need.

How Many ADHD Coaching Sessions Do I Need?

There is no set number of sessions required. However, if you would like to set goals and have the coach’s support while you work through your specific goals, it is recommended that you have sessions regularly, whether weekly or fortnightly. When you notice that the techniques and strategies are helping you in the workplace, you may take longer periods of time between sessions.

Access to Work: Empowering Individuals with ADHD

The Access to Work scheme helps individuals with ADHD and other challenges thrive in their roles by providing practical support in the workplace. The initiative promotes a diverse and inclusive workforce where everyone has the opportunity to succeed.

As a counsellor and certified ADHD Coach, I support individuals through both the application process and their coaching journey. If you’d like to learn more about ADHD strategy coaching and how it can be funded through Access to Work, you can visit my sister site, The ADHD Coaching Room.

You’ll find detailed information about the Access to Work programme, ADHD coaching options, and self-paced tools designed to help you work with your brain and reach your professional goals.

Making Sense of ADHD Patterns

Making Sense of ADHD Patterns

Managing ADHD isn’t just about attention, impulsivity, or hyperactivity. For many adults, it’s about navigating the everyday mental load that comes with it. Things like struggling to focus, feeling overwhelmed by racing thoughts, or quietly carrying a lot of self-doubt can all be part of the picture.

ADHD often affects more than people realise, touching confidence, emotions, and how you experience daily life. Making sense of these patterns can be an important step towards understanding yourself with more clarity and compassion.

5 ADHD Patterns That Can Impact Daily Life

1. When Your Mind Feels Constantly Busy

If you have ADHD, you might recognise this busy, constantly active mind. Thoughts jump from one thing to another, making it hard to concentrate, make decisions, or properly switch off. Over time, this can feel exhausting and leave you feeling overwhelmed by everyday tasks or questioning yourself more than you’d like.

Sometimes, what helps isn’t trying to stop your thoughts, but learning how to pause and notice them with a bit more kindness. Creating even a small amount of mental space can make things feel clearer and calmer. For many people, this gentle awareness helps reduce the intensity of overthinking and supports a steadier, more manageable way of thinking over time.

2. Feeling like Your are Falling Short

If you’ve grown up with ADHD, you may have heard messages like “you’re not trying hard enough,” “you’re too disorganised,” or “this shouldn’t be so difficult for you.” Over time, those messages can quietly shape how you see yourself, leading to self-doubt, second-guessing, or a feeling that you’re somehow falling short.

Making sense of where these beliefs came from can be a powerful step. When you start to notice that many of these thoughts were learned rather than true, it becomes easier to relate to yourself with more compassion. For many people, this shift supports a steadier sense of confidence and a kinder inner voice when challenges show up.

3. Struggling with Sleep Patterns

If you have ADHD, sleep can often feel tricky. A busy or restless mind can make it hard to wind down at night, fall asleep, or stay asleep, especially after a day of lots of mental stimulation. You might find yourself exhausted but still wide awake, replaying the day or thinking about what’s coming next.

Over time, poor or broken sleep can start to affect how you feel during the day. It can make focus harder, emotions feel closer to the surface, and everyday tasks take more effort. For many people, gently noticing patterns around sleep, rather than trying to force rest, is a helpful place to start. Creating a calmer wind-down routine and understanding what helps your nervous system settle can gradually support a more restful relationship with sleep.

Woman sleeping peacefully in bed with a pillow

4. When Confidence Has Taken a Knock

With ADHD, confidence can take a hit over time, especially if you’ve spent years feeling misunderstood, criticised, or compared to others. Struggling with things like focus, organisation, or follow-through can slowly shape how you see yourself and what you believe you’re capable of, even when you’re trying your best.

Making sense of where that self-doubt comes from can be an important step. When you begin to notice how past experiences have influenced your confidence, it becomes easier to relate to yourself with more understanding rather than self-criticism. For many people, this shift supports a stronger sense of self-trust and a steadier confidence when navigating everyday challenges.

5. When Self-Doubt Creeps In

If you have ADHD, you might recognise that quiet but persistent self-doubt, even when things are going well. You may downplay your achievements, feel undeserving of success, or worry that at some point you’ll be “found out”. These feelings can linger despite evidence that you’re capable and doing your best.

Taking time to notice where these thoughts come from can be helpful. Often, they’re shaped by past experiences rather than present reality. When you begin to recognise these patterns for what they are, it can become easier to respond with less self-criticism and more balance. For many people, this awareness supports a steadier sense of confidence and a kinder relationship with their achievements.

Final Thoughts

Managing ADHD often involves more than learning practical strategies. For many adults, it also means making sense of long-standing patterns, emotional responses, and the beliefs that have developed over time. When these experiences are understood in context, it becomes easier to respond with more compassion rather than self-criticism.

Support does not have to be about changing who you are. For some people, it’s about creating space to reflect, building awareness, and finding approaches that feel supportive and realistic for everyday life. This might involve learning new ways to work with your focus and energy, strengthening self-trust, or developing strategies that feel more sustainable over time.

I work with adults who want support that feels thoughtful, flexible, and personalised. This can include one-to-one ADHD-informed support, as well as self-paced resources designed to help you better understand your ADHD and respond to it with more clarity and confidence.

If you’d like to explore this further, you can view my ADHD coaching programmes and self-study courses to learn more about the different ways I work.

8 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

8 Tips to Stop Being A People-Pleaser

Do you find yourself agreeing with others, even when it goes against your own values or feelings? Do you want to say no or share your opinion, but somehow, you never do? If this sounds familiar, you may have people-pleasing tendencies or identify as a chronic people-pleaser.

The key difference is frequency and impact. If you occasionally put others first, your people-pleasing may be situational. But if you consistently prioritise others at the expense of your own well-being, people-pleasing may have become a deeply ingrained habit.

People-pleasing is often linked to the ‘fawn’ response, a term introduced by Pete Walker. This response describes people-pleasing as a survival mechanism, where individuals prioritise others’ needs to maintain safety and avoid conflict. While it can create a sense of security, it often leads to self-neglect and emotional exhaustion.

Many people-pleasers develop this habit due to a strong need for acceptance, approval, or harmony. Keeping others happy may feel comforting or necessary, but over time, it can cause you to lose sight of your authentic self. The fear of rejection, conflict, or abandonment can make it difficult to set boundaries, reinforcing the cycle of self-sacrifice.

The good news? You can break free. Letting go of people-pleasing is empowering, and learning to prioritise your needs doesn’t mean letting others down. Here are eight practical strategies to help you overcome people-pleasing so you can live more authentically and confidently.

1. Stop People-Pleasing by Setting Strong and Healthy Boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries goes beyond simply saying no, it’s about building healthier relationships and prioritising your well-being. Being able to confidently and assertively say “no” is key to this process. By setting personal boundaries, you acknowledge that your needs are just as important as the needs of others.   While setting boundaries may take time, it is vital to personal growth and self-empowerment.

“Spread your wings and find freedom in being true to yourself.”

A free bird flying in a bright blue sky with white clouds, symbolizing freedom and breaking free from people-pleasing.

2. How to Use Assertive Communication to Set Boundaries and Gain Confidence

Develop assertiveness skills to express your opinions, needs, and preferences confidently and respectfully. Communicate your goals and desires to others. You can address any lingering resentment or conflicts through open and honest conversations, ultimately strengthening your relationships. Becoming more assertive will benefit both your personal and professional life. A great way to start communicating assertively is by practising saying no in low-pressure situations to build confidence and ease in setting clear boundaries.

3. Boosting Self-Esteem: Overcoming the Need for Approval

Developing self-esteem and self-worth independent of others’ approval is crucial for overcoming people-pleasing. By recognising your priorities and strengths, you can empower yourself to focus on your needs and well-being. Embracing your unique values helps you make choices that align with your true self rather than counting on receiving external validation.  Remember to put importance on taking care of your own needs, as you are the best person to take control of your life.

4. Self-Compassion Over People-Pleasing: How to Be Kinder to Yourself

Develop the ability to prioritise yourself by placing your needs and well-being above the urge to focus on other people’s needs. Incorporate self-care into your routine by scheduling enjoyable and relaxing activities. Regularly remind yourself of your worthiness of love and respect; positive affirmations can be constructive when reinforcing this mindset.

5. Self-Reflection for People-Pleasers: Understanding Your Patterns

Reflect on what motivates your drive to attempt to improve the lives of others around you. The first step in implementing change is recognising and managing the factors that prevent you from progressing. Recognise triggers such as situations, emotions, or people that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies. Awareness can help you respond differently.  Journalling for a couple of minutes each day can be a great way to self-reflect.

6. How to Challenge Negative Thoughts and Build Self-Confidence

Challenging thoughts and beliefs that fuel people-pleasing behaviours, such as fear of rejection or perfectionism, are essential. Challenging your thoughts can change your mindset, reduce the urge to seek approval from others, and avoid conflict.

7. Seek Support

Talk to trusted friends or family members, or seek professional support who can encourage, guide, and provide feedback as you work on changing your behaviour. When you introduce boundaries and assertive communication into your life, others close to you may observe the changes.

The best way to manage this is different for everyone. You may want to share with those closest to you that you are making positive changes, or you can work on this alone without the approval of others. Either way is okay, as the most important thing is that you are making changes and getting the support and input that is helpful for you.  I have information on my website which highlights different types of professional support that can help.

8. Increase Self-Awareness with Mindfulness and Journaling

Regular mindfulness practice is a powerful tool for understanding and processing emotions. It helps you recognise, validate, and express your feelings without self-doubt or fear of judgment, an important step toward emotional well-being and self-acceptance.

Journaling is another effective way to increase self-awareness, providing a space to reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. Writing things down can help you identify patterns in people-pleasing tendencies and explore the underlying fears driving them. By incorporating mindfulness and journaling into your routine, you can reduce the need for external validation, build confidence in your own decisions, and strengthen your relationships.

For more insight into how journaling can support emotional growth, check out my blog on journalling.

zen stones with sunset calm late representing prioritising yourself rather than people-pleasing

The Connection Between People-Pleasing and Vulnerability

People-pleasers often go out of their way to appease others as a way to shield themselves from discomfort or emotional vulnerability. However, true connection comes from authenticity, not avoidance.

Researcher Brené Brown highlights that embracing vulnerability as a strength allows you to engage more openly in relationships, leading to deeper emotional connections and greater self-acceptance. By recognising that vulnerability is not a weakness, but rather a foundation for genuine interactions, you can start breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing.

Why do People Become People-Pleasers?

People-pleasers often share common traits and psychological tendencies that shape their behaviour. Here are some of the key reasons why individuals develop people-pleasing habits:

  • High Agreeableness – If you are naturally cooperative and compassionate, you may prioritise maintaining harmony in relationships, often putting others’ needs ahead of your own.
  • Low Self-Esteem – Seeking external validation can become a way to feel valued, accepted, and worthy of love.
  • Fear of Rejection or Abandonment – A deep-rooted fear of disapproval or being left out can drive people-pleasing behaviours.
  • Perfectionism – You may strive to meet unrealistic standards, either those set by others or ones you impose on yourself.
  • Childhood Conditioning – Growing up in an environment where pleasing caregivers was essential for receiving love and attention can lead to a pattern of prioritising others over yourself.
  • Empathy and Sensitivity – Highly empathetic individuals often absorb others’ emotions, making them more likely to put others first, even at their own expense.
  • Codependency – In codependent relationships, your sense of identity and self-worth may come from caring for and pleasing others.
  • Societal Expectations – Cultural norms often reinforce that being passive and accommodating is a sign of politeness and consideration, making it difficult to assert boundaries.
  • Evolutionary Factors – Early human communities relied on social approval for survival, which may have shaped the tendency to seek acceptance and avoid conflict.
  • Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) – Often linked to ADHD, RSD involves heightened sensitivity to criticism or rejection, which can lead to overextending yourself to gain approval. Many people with ADHD find that RSD makes it difficult to set boundaries, say no, or handle feedback without feeling deeply impacted. If you’d like to explore more about ADHD and how coaching can support emotional regulation and confidence, check out my ADHD Coaching page.

The Consequences of People-Pleasing

While people-pleasing can initially create positive interactions, it often leads to adverse outcomes, such as suppressed emotions, reduced self-worth, feelings of shame, toxic relationships, and stress and burnout. Recognising these consequences is crucial in understanding the need to break the people-pleasing pattern.

Suppressed Emotions: Prioritising others’ needs can lead to suppressing your emotions to avoid disappointing or upsetting others. Suppressing your feelings can lead to anxiety, sadness and depression, as well as physical problems such as headaches or digestive issues.

Reduced Self-Worth: Over time, you can lose touch with who you are when you listen to other people’s opinions. Decision-making may be increasingly tricky in the long run as you don’t trust your decisions.

Feelings of Guilt and Shame: Prioritising others can lead to behaviours that contradict your beliefs and values, causing feelings of shame. If you would like to know more about shame you might be interested in my blog Understanding and Managing Shame for Personal Growth.

Toxic Relationships: You might find yourself in relationships where others exploit your kindness or passiveness. This can, in some cases, lead to being the victim of gaslighting or abuse.

Stress and Burnout: Chronic prioritisation of others’ needs can contribute to anxiety and burnout, affecting your mental and physical health.  Often, people-pleasers mask, which can be exhausting.

Are You A People-Pleaser?  Recognising the Signs?

Recognising people-pleasing tendencies is a crucial step toward self-awareness and personal growth. Identifying people-pleasing tendencies is an essential step toward self-awareness. Look out for these patterns:

  • Overextending Yourself: Going to great lengths to meet others’ needs, even to your detriment.
  • Difficulty Saying No: You feel compelled to go above and beyond for others, even when they inconvenience you.
  • Seeking Approval: Craving validation and acceptance from others to feel valued.
  • Avoiding Conflict: Going out of your way to have a quiet life and keep others happy at the cost of your preferences.

Action Plan: Examples of Setting Boundaries and Being Assertive

Applying boundaries and assertiveness can vary across different contexts:

  • Personal Relationships: Communicate your need for personal space or discuss sensitive topics.
  • Work Environments: Assert your limits on workload or address inappropriate behaviour from colleagues.
  • Social Settings: Politely decline invitations or express your preferences without guilt.

 To Conclude

Breaking free from people-pleasing requires courage and self-compassion. It’s about recognising your needs and boundaries while nurturing genuine connections with others. Remember, seeking support and practising self-awareness are essential to this personal growth and empowerment journey. If you have been a people-pleaser for a long time, it can take time to change these habits, and it can mean that you are out of your comfort zone.

However, keep going, always reminding yourself that you are the most important person in your life. Giving up trying to please others is not the same as being selfish; instead, it means putting your health and happiness first. You may be surprised to discover that when you do put your needs first and communicate your preferences to others, you can develop more meaningful conditions.

If you want to stop people-pleasing but need some support, please book a discovery call.

Further Reading:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing.

Men’s Mental Health: Breaking Barriers and Embracing Therapy

Men’s Mental Health: Breaking Barriers and Embracing Therapy

Mental health challenges don’t discriminate, anyone can struggle, regardless of gender, background, or circumstance. Yet for many people, especially men, reaching out for help can still feel difficult. Cultural expectations, outdated beliefs, and fear of vulnerability often prevent people from seeking the support that could make a real difference.

Therapy provides a safe, confidential space to process emotions, reduce stress, and develop tools for greater resilience. Whether you’re managing anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, or past trauma, you don’t have to face it alone.

Understanding Barriers to Seeking Help

Recognising what gets in the way of reaching out is often the first step toward change. Here are some common barriers people,  particularly men, experience when considering therapy:

Societal expectations
Many people grow up being told to be “strong, self-reliant, and in control.” These ideas can make seeking help feel like a weakness, when in reality it’s a courageous and proactive step toward well-being.

Shame and guilt
When emotions are suppressed, people may turn to coping mechanisms like overworking, alcohol, or withdrawal. This can lead to guilt or self-criticism, which further reinforces the belief that they must manage alone. Therapy offers a compassionate space to explore these patterns and build healthier ways to cope.

Stigma around mental health
Although public understanding has improved, the idea that therapy is only for “serious problems” still exists. In truth, mental health deserves the same care and attention as physical health.

Fear of vulnerability
Opening up can feel uncomfortable, especially for those who’ve learned to keep emotions private. Therapy helps people build confidence in expressing themselves, turning vulnerability into a source of strength and connection.

How Therapy Helps

Therapy offers a supportive, non-judgmental environment where you can explore challenges at your own pace. It can help you:

✔ Regulate emotions and manage stress more effectively.
✔ Develop grounding and mindfulness techniques to reduce overwhelm.
✔ Use journalling to process thoughts and emotions.
✔ Strengthen communication skills and set healthy boundaries.

Some people use therapy to work through past experiences that still affect them; others focus on practical strategies for the present. There’s no single “right way”,  what matters is finding an approach that fits you.

The Wider Impact of Prioritising Mental Health

Improving your mental well-being has ripple effects in every area of life, relationships, work, and community.

Normalising support
When you prioritise your mental health, you send a powerful message to others that seeking help is an act of strength. Open conversations about therapy help dismantle stigma and encourage others to do the same.

Strengthening relationships
Emotional awareness and self-regulation improve communication, empathy, and connection with those around you.

Enhancing work and daily life
When stress and overwhelm are addressed, focus, productivity, and confidence naturally improve. Therapy can support decision-making, teamwork, and overall balance.

When to Reach Out

It may be time to consider therapy if you notice:

  • Feeling easily irritated or emotionally drained.

  • Struggling to manage stress, pressure, or expectations.

  • Turning to alcohol, work, or distractions to cope.

  • Difficulty sleeping, concentrating, or finding motivation.

  • Losing interest in things that once brought joy.

If any of these feel familiar, support is available. Therapy provides a space to understand what’s happening and develop practical strategies to feel more grounded and in control.

To Conclude

Therapy isn’t about weakness, it’s about self-awareness, courage, and growth. By talking openly about mental health, we create a culture where everyone feels supported to seek help when they need it.

As a counsellor and coach, I offer a calm, confidential space to help you navigate life’s challenges and build emotional resilience. If you’re ready to take the first step, you can book a discovery call today.

Understanding and Managing Shame for Personal Growth

Understanding and Managing Shame for Personal Growth

Shame is a complex emotion that can negatively impact your quality of life if not managed effectively. Recognising and understanding shame is the first step toward freeing yourself from the grip of this often painful emotion. When shame takes hold, individuals often feel inadequate or fundamentally flawed. These feelings of shame can stem from various life experiences, including negative beliefs or unrealistic social norms.

For some, chronic shame may be rooted in a deep sense of embarrassment, leading to low self-esteem and a negative self-perception. However, overcoming this powerful emotion through self-compassion and intentional personal growth is possible.

Shame Vs. Guild – The Key Differences

Recognising the distinction between guilt and shame is crucial for managing emotional responses effectively:

  • Feelings of shame focus on the self, often leading to low self-esteem and negative thoughts. It’s the belief that “I am bad.”
  • Feelings of guilt, however, focus on actions, leading to the thought, “I did something bad.”

For example, if a student cheats on a test, they may feel guilty by thinking, “I made a poor choice.” On the other hand, shame would cause them to believe, “I am a bad person.” Similarly, if someone is late for a meeting, they may feel embarrassed, but it could develop into shame if they start to believe they are inherently unreliable.

illustration of woman with fingers pointing towards her representing feeling shameful

Shame Vs. Embarrassment

While related, shame and embarrassment are distinct emotions. Embarrassment often involves temporary discomfort about a specific situation without long-term effects on one’s self-worth. For instance, spilling a drink at a party might cause embarrassment. However, if it leads to thoughts like “I am clumsy” or “I’m not good enough,” it may trigger feelings of shame.

Situations like being criticised at work, experiencing a breakup, or not meeting societal beauty standards can also lead to negative self-perception and shame. Understanding these differences can help you to navigate your emotional experiences and prevent self-destructive behaviours.

The Evolutionary Roots of Shame

According to research by Sznycer et al. (2016), shame evolved as a defence mechanism to protect individuals from social rejection. In ancient times, being valued by the community was crucial for survival. As a powerful emotion, shame encourages individuals to conform to social norms and maintain positive relationships.

Today, while the environment has changed, the emotional response remains. However, modern pressures—such as social media comparisons—can intensify feelings of inadequacy. This negative self-talk can make it more challenging to navigate negative thoughts and emotions healthily.

When Is Shame Not Helpful?

Shame becomes toxic when it leads to excessive self-criticism, causing toxic shame. This often involves self-destructive behaviours and can result from early life experiences such as trauma, abuse, or emotional neglect. Toxic shame leads to a belief that one is fundamentally flawed, unlovable, or incapable of being a better person.

Managing Toxic Shame

If your feelings of shame become overwhelming or difficult to manage, professional help may be necessary.  Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help challenge negative beliefs and reframe negative self-talk. If self-help techniques or confiding in a trusted friend don’t alleviate the feelings, reaching out to a therapist or joining a safe space like a support group may provide relief.

How Shame Affects the Body and Mind

Shame triggers a series of physiological and psychological responses:

  • Emotional well-being: Feelings of shame can lead to chronic stress, which affects your emotional and mental health. You might experience a feeling of inadequacy, a desire to hide, or even inner critical thoughts that negatively impact your sense of self-worth.
  • Physical symptoms: Shame can activate the body’s stress response, causing physical health issues such as an increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, muscle tension, sweating, and digestive problems.
  • Mental health issues: Prolonged shame weakens the immune system, making individuals more susceptible to illness while also affecting mental health, concentration, and decision-making.

Six Effective Ways To Manage Shame

Overcoming shame involves implementing practical, healthy strategies:

  1. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Utilise CBT techniques to challenge negative self-perception. For example, replace “I’m a complete failure” with “I am on a journey of personal growth.”
  2. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with care and engage in activities that enhance your emotional well-being, like journaling or spending time in nature.
  3. Learn and Grow: Consider mistakes to be an opportunity for growth. View shame as a tool to realign your behaviours with your values, thus becoming a better person.
  4. Mindfulness and Breathing Techniques: Practice mindfulness and use grounding exercises or breathing techniques to manage your emotional responses. These methods help calm the central nervous system and bring balance.
  5. Positive Self-Talk: Focus on affirmations that build your positive self-image. Journalling is an effective way to track your achievements and strengths.
  6. Talk About It: Opening up about feelings of shame with a trusted friend, a support group, or a professional can reduce isolation and help you gain perspective. If you’re looking for one-to-one support, my counselling and coaching services offer a safe space to explore and reframe these feelings.

man with arms outstretched representing freedom from feelings of shame

To Conclude

Shame is challenging, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By understanding its roots and practising effective ways to manage it, you can reclaim your sense of self-worth and cultivate a positive self-image. Embrace your personal development journey by building emotional well-being, practising self-compassion, and overcoming shame’s negative grip.

If you’re ready to address toxic shame and achieve personal growth, consider seeking professional support through therapy or coaching. Take the first step toward living with confidence and peace. Book a free discovery call today.

References:

Sznycer, D., Tooby, J., Cosmides, L., Porat, R., Shalvi, S., & Halperin, E. (2016). Shame closely tracks the threat of devaluation by others, even across cultures. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 113(10), 2625–2630. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1514699113

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